Jon Stewart, Jordan Klepper & Ronny Chieng Cover Trump's Hush Money Trial | The Daily Show

[Music]

after a week of jury selection today it

was finally time for opening statements

and it turns out the prosecution and the

defense do not see ey to eye the

prosecution arguing that Trump's alleged

scheme to keep an adult film actress

quiet is election interference pure and

simple in those words Trump defense

lawyer Todd blanch told the jury that

the former president though did not

violate the

law that's that's right this is a

classic case of the state of New York

versus

nuh-uh oh no

didn't I think it's pretty clear he did

it anyway this trial will obviously be a

test of the fairness of the American

legal system but it's also a test of the

media's ability to cover Donald Trump in

a responsible way a task they have

acknowledged they've performed poorly in

the past I think to the degree that the

media had lesson turned they seem to

have been learned it's irresponsible for

cable news networks to give Donald Trump

hours and hours of free air time way too

much speculation and liberal wishful

thinking and attempts to connect dots

that did not connect it's the media's

responsibility to not get distracted I

think we were much too busy chasing

after shiny objects all of us have

learned some very valuable lessons from

the last couple of years um and

delineating what's significant what's

important so brave

[Applause]

well done and I think for this trial we

will see the seeds of that inpection

bear

fruit or we will learn that learning

curves are for here we go it's

on it's happening history will be made

shaping up to be the trial of the

century maybe the trial of the century

the trial of the century but just might

be the trial of the century the tax man

is here Donald Trump he will finally be

forced to face the music the legal walls

closing in around Donald Trump the legal

walls are starting to close in on Donald

Trump yes this time Mr

Bond it truly is your doom now if you'll

excuse me I'm going to leave this room

obviously when I leave I'm not going to

press this button right here that opens

all the doors and dismantles the killing

machine I've

established don't follow me Mr

Bond perhaps if we limit the coverage to

the issues at hand and try not to create

an all-encompassing spectacle of the

most BAL of details perhaps that would

help you're looking at live pictures in

New York City of Donald Trump's motor

cave it's about a 20-minute Drive

between Trump Tower and the court

building Trump leaving Trump Tower on

Fifth Avenue they're now making their

way across town along 57 Street they

just cross Park Avenue making their way

up towards lexingon Avenue he's heading

down the FDR to the Manhattan courthouse

on Chamber Street arriving at this

intersection of American history with

Defiance arriving at the intersection of

American history with Defiance the

brilliant ju opposing of the gravitas of

the moment with simple traffic terms

was he arrived at the intersection of

American History where he put a quarter

in the parking meter of

Destiny leaving in the

car looking to avoid stepping in the

urine puddle of Juris

Prudence seriously are we going to

follow this guy to court every day are

you trying to make this OJ it's not a

Chase he's

commuting so the media's first attempt

the very first attempt on the first day

at self-control

failed and I'm sorry to say that it I'm

sorry hold on we're getting breaking

news you know he wanted to get a jury

seated so we had a lady Bill I'm sorry

interrup a perspec for one second I'm I

apologize we're just showing the first

image of Donald Trump from inside the

courtroom it's a still photograph uh

that we're showing there just I want to

make sure our viewers uh know what

they're looking

at yes for our viewers who are are just

waking up from a 30-year

coma uh this is what Donald Trump has

looked like every day for the past 30

years same outfit so we have a

photograph of Donald Trump in the

courtroom but do we really know what he

looks like the man is a mystery a Yeti

if you will anything could be a deep

fake do we have an eyewitness account

perhaps from a dismissed juror would you

describe to me what you saw

with Donald Trump while you were sitting

inside of that courtroom not very much

um he was a bit ahead of me and off to

the left I didn't have a complete view

of him

today wait did I have jury duty this

week what the

BR

brother mother dresses like me too this

is anyway coming up more of our

three-part interview with a guy who

nearly saw Donald Trump in the

courtroom so we have a photograph this

freaking me out that picture we have a

photograph and we have eyewitness

accounts but do we have anything in a

pastel a courtroom sketch that we're

getting in uh right now I'm looking at

the courtroom sketch and Mr Trump looks

like he is glowering I'm not sure if

that's supposed to be a glow or just a a

glance I don't know how uh it's it's

it's art it's not necessarily it's

artistic journalism but it's not a

photograph why are you showing it to us

it's a sketch why would anyone analyze a

sketch like it was it'd be like looking

at the Last Supper and going why do you

think Jesus looks so sad

here what do you think he's what do you

think it's because of

Judas what if we interview one of the

waiters at one of the tables from like a

different section of the restaurant who

maybe didn't actually see him but well

you know we got time to

kill well I guess we'll never know

unless we could talk to the person who

drew the sketch but do we have the time

nothing but Christine Cornell who's in

the court room today the official sketch

artist I want to show one of your

sketches today we're going through some

of them but this one it appears in this

one that his eyes are closed what was

happening

here my apologies ma'am I was sitting 50

ft away I was having such a struggle to

try and get those eyeballs in

damn it

woman does Donald Trump have eyeballs or

no man does he or no you are in the room

tell

me or I will not come to your trinket

shop in

Newports tell me

woman

look what the are we

doing uh I noticed here his head is

perfectly

round why is that well I like drawing

circles at this point you're probably

saying to yourself how many television

hours have they devoted to a Donald

Trump a man who has not been off any of

our screens for more than 30 seconds in

the last eight years looks like the

answer is not nearly as many hours as

describing his every movement Trump

craned his neck to eye perspective

jurors and flashed a tight lip smile

leaning to the left um a little bit

quiet his arm crossed as well hunched

over with his elbows on the desk looked

through papers and periodically

whispered to his attorneys fidgeted and

leaned back the scowl fixed to his face

while he sat squinting he was actually

biting his lip during today's

proceedings his lips pursed in that

characteristic Trump

way his eyeballs

gone the hulking former president stood

up slowly he walked towards me with a

mixture of Desire scorn and let's call

it age related

confusion it was then that I realized

that this former president of the United

States has a front

[Applause]

butt look at some point in this trial

something important and revelatory is

going to happen but none of us are going

to notice because the hour spent on his

speculative facial ticks if the media

tries to make us feel like the most

mundane is Earth shattering we

won't believe you when it's really

interesting it's your classic Boy Who

Cried Wolf

Blitzer look it's a trial it's boring

most ly I've been on jury duty and I can

that's not

me that's a different guy why are you

it's not

me it may be

me look trials are a lot of procedural

and side conferences and sidebars

and what's exhibit 372a and you're not

out of order this whole CT is out of

look the one person who's had the most

normal reaction to the trial so far is

Donald Trump Donald Trump fell asleep on

multiple days during his criminal trial

as he

should I mean he's been up since 2 a.m.

rage tweeting he needs his anger

sleep today was the second day of

Trump's hush money trial and the first

witness was the editor of the national

Inquirer he testified that to help Trump

win the 2016 election he would buy

scandalous stories about Trump and then

bury them and what a great job he did I

can't think of a single Trump

scanner before they could even get into

that they had to hold a separate hearing

to find out if Trump violated a gag

order when he threatened jurors and

Witnesses and that hearing did not go

well for trump it was a pretty wild and

intense hearing on Donald Trump's gag

order it all turned into a very heated

exchange between the judge and Trump

lawyer Todd blanch who argued that Trump

is being very careful while a clearly

frustrated judge Maron responded Mr

blanch you're losing all credibility

with this court minutes after the

hearing ended Trump attacked the judge

on social media calling him a kangaroo

[Applause]

court wow this guy is incapable of

keeping his mouth shut for 2

minutes has Trump ever considered paying

himself hush money but think about it

but this this is a complicated issue

about balancing rights BAS basically the

prosecution's argument is that a juror

has the right to feel safe while serving

on Donald Trump's jury while Donald

Trump's argument is that that juror

lives at 34 West 52nd Street and maybe

someone should pay that juror a visit

and straighten him

out this gag order serious Trump might

have to pay up to

$1,000 per violation yeah $1,000 that's

not going to stop Trump from talking

okay you got to deal with this like any

other tantrum you got to give Trump an

iPad with melon on it and let him zone

out

okay then he's going to expect Coco

melon whenever he's upset okay well

we'll do have that later all right we

just need him to stop now it's so noisy

I can't even think in this house

okay it's not what Dr Becky would want

anyway for more on the results of the

gag order hearing let's go to Desi

liic

Desi D

now now that the gag order hearing is

over can get back to focusing on the

actual trial right uh unfortunately no

because during the gag order hearing

Donald Trump made a jerk off motion so

they needed a gag order hearing to see

if that violated the gag order before

they could get back to the first gag

order oh oh but then after that it's all

set uh no because during that gag order

hearing the judge heard Trump saying I'm

judge peee

head and when the judge asked did you

just call me judge peee head Trump said

he was just rehearsing for a community

theater production where he plays a

judge named pee head so then they had to

have a hearing about that but but once

that's done the actual case yes but no

because during that hearing Trump made

another jerk off motion but then he said

it wasn't a jerk off motion so they need

a quick hearing to determine how he

jerks

off then a hearing about whether he made

the jerk off motion then judge PP head

then the first jerk off hearing then the

gag order and then the actual case what

case the

hush the hush money case

oh nobody remembers that keep up with a

news cycle Jordan you're at the desk for

God's sake yes uh thank you Desi we'll

check back in with you

later

now clearly Trump thinks he's being

treated unfairly in this trial and he's

not the only one something to get order

is just the start of the oppress Trump

is

facing okay Jesse let me start with you

and the prosecution says this is

election fraud and they say pure and

simple is it I I call it pure evil so

they've taken away his freedom of speech

and now they've taken away his freedom

of movement I mean they had more

allowances for khed shik Muhammad oh

okay that sounds wild but I think Jesse

Waters is a reasonable man because I was

kicked in the head by a horse last week

so let's hear him out how is Trump being

treated worse than the Mastermind of 911

the guy needs exercise he's usually

golfing and so you're going to put a man

who's almost 80 sitting in a room like

this on his butt for all that time it's

not healthy he needs sunlight and he

needs activity he needs to be walking

around he needs action it's really cruel

and unusual pun punishment to make a man

do that

[Laughter]

are we talking about Donald Trump or an

Old English sheep

dog you can't keep him cooped up all day

he needs time outside or he'll pee on

the

couch look we all know how Donald Trump

loves exercise because of this trial

he's been morly obese for the last 40

years yeah I mean though would Trump

even want fresh air and exercise these

actually sound like the punishments the

judge would give Trump if he's convicted

yeah I know he's like fresh a and

exercise just give me the death penalty

but listen I'll give Jesse Waters the

benefit of the doubt because I was also

kicked in the head by the same horse so

let's let him continue this isn't law

fair it's torture they're making a 77y

old man sit inside a dingy room for8

hours straight 4 days a week

wow8 hours a day four days a week it's

literally torture or as the rest of the

world calls it a

job a a a part-time job to be fair I

mean this is the same guy who's asking

to be president of the United States I

mean that's got to be at least a 40 hour

a week gig I mean is he going to get

overtime also I thought Trump was

supposed to be the young vigorous

candidate in the race now what he needs

sympathy suddenly he's a poor elderly

man crippled by the weight of his own

body pulverizing his bones into dust

against the

chair you know what get that horse back

out here

because I want to give Jesse one more

chance they're telling the entire world

all the wackos this is where the former

president's going to be at this date at

this time surrounded by high-rise

buildings yes it's very dangerous for

people to know Trump's exact location

which is why he lives in a non-descript

building with his name on the

front the Trump campaign also tells us

where he's going to be and exactly when

they're called Trump rallies and it's

how I know where to go to get yelled at

and uh you know the worst part um about

him being on trial is that they're just

treating him like some he's some kind of

criminal defendant today the former

president of the United States if he

leaves Court to go to the restroom jail

if he calls the prosecutor corrupt jail

if Trump moves or says anything they

scream jail if he makes us recycling

jail if he scratches his crotch jail

yeah he gets a high score on the SAT

Jail uh his favorite Batman Christian

Bale yeah his favorite vegetable fries

yeah yeah let's begin with a major

announcement from the president of the

United States it's a good day for

America it's a good day for Europe and

it's a good day for World Peace oh a a

good day for World Peace I've wanted one

of

those I wonder what happened did the

nations of the world finally band

together to Outlaw war did they finally

buy everyone in the World a Coke is

there is there finally peace between

Kendrick and Drake what is it

moments ago at the White House President

Biden signed a long awaited Aid package

for Ukraine Israel and Taiwan into law

in total about $95 billion will go

toward assisting Ukraine and Israel's

war efforts and money to counter China's

aggression in the Indo

Pacific oh oh World Peace okay okay is

peace the one with the tanks is that the

one I I went to public school that

wasn't funded because they spent all

that money on peace so yeah I I mean

that maybe he's he's

being right yeah maybe maybe the

president is being sarcastic you know

like it's a good day for World Peace

everybody right right yes yes yes but

yes after months of delay President

Biden today signed a military aid

package for Ukraine Israel and Taiwan

yes Taiwan now there we not at War yet

but you got to book a reservation in

advance just to save your

spot and even though even though this

bill passed easily it had been held up

for six months because right-wing

Republicans threatened to kick speaker

Mike Johnson from office if he helped

Ukraine but now that he let it go

through everyone's been talking about

him like this I applaud speaker

Johnson's courage what you're witnessing

here is moral courage a profile and

courage is putting the nation above of

yourself and and that's what he did not

only put this up for a vote but he also

separated the bills which I thought was

a courageous did the right thing made

his own decision made his own decision

put his job on the line and that's

courage file and courage in this case

that's courage courage it's courage you

the word is courage profiling courage

courage profile of Courage there's a

courage thing being profile courage

so courage yeah okay thank

you so apparently Mike Johnson is the

hero here sure a couple of Ukrainian

cities fell while he decided whether or

not to be courageous but he got around

to it I mean we're always praising the

First Responders what about the eventual

responders

huh the ones who jump in their fire

truck and say hey let's stop for fro you

on the way huh where's their tick or

tape parade I salute you my John son I

mean not now but 6 months from now I

woke up the courage to do it but let's

move on to a problem that

America hasn't solved gun violence a lot

of people think the answer is reducing

the amount of guns but Tennessee

lawmakers are going in the opposite

direction chaos erupting in Tennessee

state capital where lawmakers just

passed a bill that would allow teachers

to carry concealed handguns in schools

if signed by the governor the Tennessee

law would allow teachers to carry guns

in schools where top administrators

agree the teachers would be required to

have a permit do training and get a

background check and mental health

evaluation

congratulations now your shop teacher is

going to have two stories about how he

accidentally lost a

finger look I mean can the students at

least vote on which teacher gets the gun

cuz uh you know my gym teacher was

already on a mive Power Trip and all he

had was a whistle

so today was a big day for Donald Trump

versus Johnny Law with the former

president fighting the man at every

level of the legal system but things

actually started off pretty good for

Trump uh after months of calling him

unfit for office Trump's former Attorney

General Bill bar said he's voting for

him anyway and Trump responded with as

much grace as you would expect so the

former president posting a truth social

this quote wow former attorney attorney

general Bill bar has just endorsed me

for president despite the fact that I

called him weak slow-moving lethargic

gutless and lazy based on the fact that

I greatly appreciate his wholehearted

endorsement I am removing the word

lethargic from my statement thank you

Bill

Donald Donald Trump is the king of

pettiness I am positive in an ALT

Universe Trump was a sorority president

just dripping dripping with shade like

wow bill I love that bikini you're so

brave to be wearing that you go girl I

mean it does look like Trump hates Trump

ass kisses as much as the rest of us do

because he'll be like uh Kiss the Ring

and then when they do he's like I can't

believe you kiss the ring you little

so Trump was riding that sick burn

high this morning all the way into court

where he was confronted with testimony

from the head of the national Inquirer

who wasn't afraid to spill some tea

publisher David pecker returned to the

witness stand this morning and explained

how he engineered a deal to buy The

Silence of Karen McDougall a Playboy

model who claimed she had an affair with

Trump pecker claims he had a deal with

Trump and his attorney Michael Cohen to

be on the lookout for damaging stories

about Trump he would buy stories that

were unflattering to Trump and then he

would kill them to make sure they didn't

become public was today a bad day for

Donald Trump he l look I I can't read

his mind but he looked pretty

miserable really he looked miserable

he's not one of those jovial criminal

defendants yeah coming to court with a

smile on his face and a spring in a step

as he stares down a future full of

prison gangs public pooping and shoty

heroin balloons migrating up his colon

shocker but yes David pecker pun

intended testified that he brought up

and buried negative stories about Donald

Trump that help him win the 2016

election which sounds crazy but you got

to remember this was way back in 2016

when negative stories were a bad thing

MH now we know that every new Scandal

just cancels out a different Scandal

until you become

president but because this is Donald

Trump he wasn't involved in just one

court case today while he was in New

York his lawyers were in front of the

Supreme Court arguing that Trump should

have complete legal immunity for

anything he did while president and I do

mean complete immunity if the president

decides that his rival is a corrupt

person and he orders the military or

orders someone to assassinate him is

that within His official acts that for

which he can get immunity it would

depend on the hypothetical but we can

see that could well be an official

act I object to this guy's voice

can we someone gave him a Lin or

something but I mean but sorry sorry you

may continue How about if a president um

orders the military to Stage a coup uh I

think it would depend on ime I think it

would depend on the circumstances

whether it was an official act if it

were an official act if a president

sells nuclear secrets to a foreign

adversary is that immune well I don't

know in the hypothetical whether or not

that would be an official act okay look

can we stop giving Trump IDE years

okay yeah he's listening to this like oh

selling nuclear secrets I should write

this down yeah it it sounded like they

were loose pitching Netflix action

thrillers in the room like in order to

save his Nation the president must

strangle an opponent in a public

Deathmatch Liam niss is immune from

prosecution

now very good very good very good there

we go now the Trump legal team doesn't

really believe the total immunity

argument they're just bringing it up to

delay his trials it's kind of like when

your kid asks for water at bedtime and

you know they're just trying to delay

bedtime because kids don't need

water wait so I'm pretty sure kids do

need water uh no you're thinking of

plants the wild thing is that the

Court's conservative majority seems like

it's actually going to accept at least

part of Trump's argument by the end of

the hearing the conservative majority

seemed to express a desire to create

some kind of limited immunity for

official acts for presidents so this is

where we're at the conservative justices

think Trump should have immunity the