this breakup changed my life.
Summary
TLDRIn this heartfelt video, the creator opens up about their personal journey of self-discovery and growth over the past months. They delve into their experiences with social media, the pressure of public perception, and the pivotal moments that led to significant changes in their life, including a move to New York. The video is an authentic exploration of introspection, vulnerability, and the importance of staying true to oneself amidst external influences.
Takeaways
- 💭 The importance of taking a step back from social media and external validation to focus on personal growth and self-discovery.
- 🌟 Recognizing the impact of personal experiences and heartbreaks on shaping one's identity and content creation.
- 📚 The transformative power of journaling and writing down thoughts to gain clarity and self-understanding.
- 🚫 The dangers of being overly influenced by external factors such as social media trends and the opinions of others.
- 🔄 The cyclical nature of seeking external validation and the need to address internal issues rather than running away from them.
- 🌱 The process of self-reflection leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life, including finding joy in simple pleasures.
- 🏡 The significance of curating a personal space that reflects one's true preferences rather than societal trends.
- 💪 The role of discipline and self-care in personal development, including physical fitness, meditation, and a consistent routine.
- 💔 The acceptance of change and growth, understanding that compatibility and personal evolution may lead to the end of certain relationships.
- 🌐 The impact of one's beliefs and thoughts on their reality, and the importance of being conscious of what is consumed and absorbed.
- 💌 The value of expressing love and positivity, even in small interactions, to improve one's own life and the lives of others.
Q & A
How did the YouTuber describe their emotional state at the beginning of the video?
-The YouTuber described feeling nervous, awkward, and like they were making a confession video, indicating a high level of vulnerability and emotional intensity.
Why did the YouTuber disable their Instagram?
-The YouTuber disabled their Instagram because they realized they were overly concerned with how others perceived them and were curating their Instagram to project a certain image, which they recognized as unhealthy.
What was the catalyst for the YouTuber's shift in focus from YouTube to their clothing line?
-The catalyst was the YouTuber's realization that they were seeking external validation and focusing too much on social media opinions, leading them to explore their clothing line as a way to redirect their energy and focus.
How did the YouTuber's heartbreak influence their life and content creation?
-The heartbreak led to a period of introspection and personal growth, which in turn influenced their content to become more focused on self-care, personal development, and aesthetic interests.
What was the significance of the number '222' in the YouTuber's experience?
-The number '222' held significance as a potential angel number, symbolizing balance and the union of masculine and feminine principles. It appeared in their life at a pivotal moment, reinforcing their belief in the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.
How did the YouTuber's move from LA to New York impact their subscriber count?
-The move to New York coincided with a significant increase in their subscriber count, growing from 1.8 million to 3 million within a year, suggesting that the change in environment and content focus had a positive impact on their channel's growth.
What personal changes did the YouTuber make after their heartbreak and move?
-After the heartbreak and move, the YouTuber began practicing celibacy, journaling, reading books, learning about spirituality, affirmations, crystals, and meditation. They also started focusing on self-care, including going to the gym, maintaining a regular sleep schedule, and spending time outdoors.
What advice does the YouTuber give to their audience regarding self-discovery and personal growth?
-The YouTuber advises their audience to write down their thoughts and ideas, engage in self-reflection, and be less influenced by external sources. They encourage finding joy in the little things in life and being true to oneself rather than constantly seeking external validation.
How did the YouTuber's content evolve after their personal transformations?
-The YouTuber's content evolved to reflect a greater focus on self-care, personal development, and aesthetic interests. They began creating content that aligned more with their newfound passions and personal style, leading to a shift in their content's tone and subject matter.
What impact did journaling have on the YouTuber's life?
-Journaling had a profound impact on the YouTuber's life, helping them process emotions, gain clarity, and track their personal growth. It allowed them to reflect on their experiences, understand their feelings, and make decisions that aligned with their personal values and desires.
Outlines
🌟 Personal Reflection and YouTube Hiatus
The speaker begins by sharing their personal struggle with a recent four-month period of life changes and heartbreak. They candidly discuss their decision to take a break from YouTube after a decade of consistent posting, highlighting their feelings of anxiety and fear about how their content might be received. The speaker also talks about their shift in focus from social media to their personal projects, such as their clothing line, and how this change has led to a newfound sense of self and freedom from external validation.
🎭 The Impact of Social Media on Self-Perception
The speaker delves deeper into the influence of social media on their self-image and the pressure to curate a perfect online presence. They recount the moment of realization that they were excessively concerned with how others perceived them, leading to the deactivation of their Instagram account. The speaker then discusses the liberating effect of stepping back from social media and the importance of focusing on personal growth and authenticity rather than seeking external validation.
🌆 The Journey from LA to Self-Discovery
The speaker shares their experiences of moving frequently, from LA to different cities, and the pattern of seeking external changes to find happiness. They discuss a pivotal conversation with their therapist that led to the decision to stay put and confront their internal issues. The speaker reflects on their past impulsiveness and the newfound calm and self-awareness that came with taking a step back from social media and focusing on their personal projects.
💔 Heartbreak and its Role in Personal Growth
The speaker narrates a specific instance of heartbreak and its profound impact on their life. They describe how the emotional turmoil led to a period of introspection and self-discovery. The speaker also talks about the synchronicities they experienced, such as the angel number 222 and its significance in their life, as well as the transformative power of journaling and reflecting on past experiences.
🌱 Embracing Change and Finding Inner Peace
The speaker discusses the transformative journey they underwent after a heartbreak, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their values. They share how they learned to embrace change and find inner peace through self-care practices like journaling, reading, and meditation. The speaker also talks about the shift in their content creation after moving to New York and the realization that happiness can be found in the simplicity of daily routines and self-love.
🌿 Minimalism and Cultivating Personal Style
The speaker explores their journey towards minimalism and the development of a personal style that truly reflects their identity. They discuss the process of decluttering their life and the insights gained from curating a living space with intention. The speaker emphasizes the importance of making decisions based on personal preference rather than external influences and the joy found in the simplicity and authenticity of their new lifestyle.
💭 The Power of Self-Expression and Introspection
The speaker encourages the audience to engage in self-expression and introspection as a means of personal growth and self-discovery. They share their own experiences with journaling and how it has positively impacted their life. The speaker advocates for the act of writing down thoughts and ideas, regardless of their perceived value, as a way to gain clarity, validate one's self, and foster creativity. They conclude with a message of self-love and the importance of being kind to oneself.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-reflection
💡Personal Growth
💡Social Media Influence
💡Heartbreak
💡Content Creation
💡Minimalism
💡Self-Care
💡Authenticity
💡Validation
💡Aesthetic
Highlights
The speaker discusses their experience of taking a break from social media and the impact it had on their mental health and self-perception.
They share an intimate story of heartbreak and how it led to a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
The importance of journaling is emphasized, as it allowed the speaker to reflect on their thoughts and emotions, leading to a better understanding of themselves.
The speaker talks about their move from LA to New York and how it significantly impacted their YouTube career, leading to exponential growth in subscribers.
A shift in content creation is mentioned, where the speaker began focusing more on aesthetics, self-care, and personal interests, reflecting a change in their online presence.
The concept of minimalism is explored, as the speaker describes how they got rid of unnecessary possessions and focused on what truly brought them joy.
The speaker shares a vision they had about their ideal living space, which influenced their decisions and led to a more authentic and curated lifestyle.
The impact of external influences, such as social media and societal trends, on personal beliefs and self-image is discussed, highlighting the importance of self-reflection and critical thinking.
The speaker encourages the audience to write down their thoughts and ideas, emphasizing the transformative power of putting pen to paper.
A call to action is made for the audience to be more intentional with their social media consumption and to curate their online experience to better reflect their true selves.
The speaker reflects on their journey of healing and self-improvement, sharing how they found happiness in the simple things and learned to appreciate the present moment.
The importance of being true to oneself and not being swayed by external validation is stressed, as the speaker shares their personal experiences and lessons learned.
The speaker talks about the transformative power of spring and how it can be a time for renewal and personal growth, encouraging the audience to embrace change.
The value of self-expression and creativity is highlighted, as the speaker shares their desire to make content that resonates with their audience and brings them joy.
The speaker concludes with a message of love and positivity, urging the audience to leave a positive impact on others and to strive for personal authenticity.
Transcripts
I don't even know I feel like I'm doing
a confession video right now if you want
to know this heartbreak and how bad this
was these past 4 months have been
life-changing if you're not trying to be
trauma dumped on right now maybe I do
run away from all my problems why do I
care so much about what people think of
me disabled my Instagram right then and
there my whole entire life has been
YouTube didn't realize how much I like
liked this boy okay is this video about
to be called like reading out my love
letters we're
back I always love opening up these tea
packets cuz on the back there's a little
quote and it's like o what am I going to
get today it says you are the master of
your judgments your decisions and your
actions that's so crazy that out of all
the ones I pulled this is the one that I
pulled today it's been a month since I
posted on YouTube and the reason why is
we're going to get into it today so I
actually don't know where to start I'm
going to be so honest with you and I
feel like well I filmed this video Once
edited it all and then I realized Miss
girl was going on a ramble she was she
was
speaking and it all made sense in my
head and then I watched it back and I
was like babes what happened to story
structure here like what was
that okay we're here now filming it
again and yeah I need to be honest with
you I don't know where this video is
going to
go okay uh
so there is so much that's going on in
my head that I have not talked about and
I
genuinely don't know what to say because
I don't know how everything's going to
connect together and I think that's what
I'm afraid of right now is that
nothing's going to connect together and
people are going to be like what the
[ __ ] was this video but I think that
like I can't even think about what I'm
trying to deliver to you right now or
how I'm trying to make this make sense
girl relax this isn't a [ __ ]
interview you know like that's how I
feel right now it's not that big of a
deal but to me it's a big deal because I
have not not posted on YouTube for a
month straight like I haven't like
stopped posting for this long in years I
I I don't take a month off of YouTube
and if you like don't believe me like
bro I've been doing YouTube full time
for like 6 years now I'm 21 it became my
full-time job when I was 15 and I have
been doing it for fun ever since I was
seven me being like you know what I'm
going to just stop posting and I'm going
to let myself come back whenever I feel
like coming back has never happened cuz
like YouTube is my life so it's like
when I take a step back it's like it
it are you ready to understand maybe a
little bit what I'm trying to talk about
okay I don't even know I feel like I'm
doing a [ __ ] confession video right
now you're going to learn a lot about me
today so if you're not trying to be
trauma dumped on right now like and
about like me don't watch this video
because this video is going to be a lot
of me because I think that if I try to
like say it in a way of like tell you
guys what I've learned this past month
it'll turn out like not I just should
just tell a story I'm like saying these
thoughts out loud as I'm realizing them
right now cuz I'm like so awkwardly
nervous I should just tell you guys a
story and if you guys connect with the
story then I hope you do and if you
don't I hope you're not offended or I
hope I didn't waste your time okay thank
you so much for watching I don't know
how long this video is going to be
okay I've just been really taking a step
back and like asking myself like where
the [ __ ] am I what am I doing like what
am I doing like what literally like
that's a question I I like looked at my
this was the Catalyst this was the
Catalyst ready for the story I forgot
about this to right now buckle up we
have a direction that we're headed into
right now so oh my God I remember the
first thought and how this all started
okay this was this this is it this is it
I was on my Instagram and at this point
I had like 400 300 pictures I don't know
like it's a regular [ __ ] Instagram I
had Instagram so when was this what day
is it April 1st I've been gone since
like what like February yeah February
was the last time I posted a video it's
now April but I remember maybe like
February 17th or something I hit a
million followers on Instagram so it's
like you know you're a little bit more
hyper fixated I just went to the NBA
All-Star things so I was posting again
you're a little bit more hyper fixated
on social media and like what my feed
looked like like the things that I was
posting oh my God I just had a million
and then what happened was I noticed
myself going on my feed and like going
to Archive a post because I was like uh
does this look good like hm how can I
make this look better and I like
literally caught myself in the act and I
was
like
wait why do I care so much about what
people think of
me that's what I ask myself cuz I
realized I'm like me curating my
Instagram to look this certain way to
make me look cool that meant I gave a
[ __ ] about how people perceived me and I
really stopped and I asked myself for a
second wait wait wait wait wait wait
this is not healthy this isn't good the
fact that I'm like on my own Instagram
being like like should I delete this
like is H if I delete this like is this
going to look more or if I have this
photo
first
what it's really not that [ __ ]
serious it's really not that serious
girl what are you doing you know I I
literally disabled my Instagram right
then and there disabled [ __ ] gone just
deleted the [ __ ] Instagram disabled
you can come back but disabled just
delete y I think I just realized like I
was curating this life and it's like is
this even like what I like is this what
I want or am I doing this for other
people I I kind of like thought about
that when I looked at my Instagram I was
like am I trying to put something on for
other people to like perceive me a
certain type of way why am I creating
this version of myself like is this who
I actually am because every time I go to
think about whether or not I like this
picture whether or not I like the way I
look in this whether or not this outfit
is going to get like you know like which
which outfit is better to post it's like
every time I do that I'm thinking about
everybody else and everybody else's
opinions and what's trending what's not
trending what's cool what's embarrassing
do people like this do people like that
like what kind of story
what I bet you a lot of y'all watching
this video haven't [ __ ] posted in
Instagram in how long so long right yeah
girl I know why because you're [ __ ]
scared I would be too it's a Scary World
out there you don't know it feels like
such a big identity thing oh my God
started with my Instagram and then I
don't know I just I started working on
alchemi a lot as well so then I just
started becoming a little bit busier so
it was just harder for me to get videos
out and then a week went by and I was
like oh no Instagram no YouTube and then
like another couple days went by and I
was like should I just and then I just
naturally started getting busy and I put
my attention into something else for the
first time ever and it wasn't YouTube
which was interesting because my whole
entire life has been YouTube that has
been my job that has been my hobby that
has been my life is being a YouTuber and
making YouTube videos and I've never
been passionate about anything other
than YouTube and videos that's the only
thing I've like I've been passionate
about other things obviously like I've
had other hobbies and stuff but I've
never felt a drive like I felt from
doing YouTube videos and I've been doing
that for so so so long now and so I've
never taken a step back from social
media and never taken a step back from
Instagram and Tik Tok and I've never
taken a step back before because like
that's the only thing I like had to
focus on but then I started working on
my clothing line and and I just never
really put that much energy into it
before like to me alchemi was just like
I just really liked the product so then
I started to sell it and then I just had
to think about a design every couple
months make it and then that was it like
I didn't put too much thought into it it
just started out because I wanted to
make something and I liked the thing
that I was making and then I just
dropped it here and there right so when
I took the attention off of YouTube and
I started putting it into that I like
genuinely just stopped thinking about
what the [ __ ] people thought about me
because
wait you want to know why cuz then I
realized oh my God it is not normal to
have everybody's opinion on you 24/7 and
I and I'm sure you relate to this as
well this is like your family around you
your friends around you the people that
you see every single day those people
are influencing you and me I I wasn't
really seeing that many people you know
like I I wasn't hanging out with a lot
of people this past month so it was
mostly just me and my thoughts and you
know obviously sometimes here and there
I'm hanging out with people but like I'm
not cons I wasn't consistently
surrounding myself with anything thing
and I wasn't I wasn't hearing other
people for this past month basically
like I I was just alone in my head and
with my clothing line and if I made a
design with my clothing line why am I
saying my clothing line I can't just say
alchemi I don't know I just like say my
clothing line cuz I feel like you guys
don't know what alchemi is cuz I'm like
wait what who else would be the
demographic buying alchemi it' be you
guys like that's why I'm like girl why
you saying your clothing line and I've
been like making the designs and stuff
but the thing is like doing other things
like this it's like you don't have to
[ __ ] post it that same day that same
week and have thousands of people judge
your work and your creativity and your
you know what I mean and that's
literally what social media is like it's
like you make a YouTube video you make a
story you make a short whatever the [ __ ]
you talk to people in real life you're
dressed a certain way you go to school
wearing a whole new outfit you go to
work with your hair different it's like
oh my God immediately you have judgment
right in front of your eyes right and I
feel like I just deprived myself of that
for the past month and what the [ __ ]
like it's been the most insane month
ever like I feel more myself than I ever
have before and we're going to get into
we're going to get into that but yeah I
just have been able to create and do
things and do whatever the [ __ ] I want
to do for the past month without the
opinions of others and I've just been
really been able
to sit with
myself and figure out where I'm I'm
going with this I have always been
somebody that just loves new and and
different things and I've always been
like a very impulsive person and I feel
like that's been the backbone of my
YouTube channel but I feel like I've
calmed down a lot in the past like year
or two and you know I moved a bunch when
I was younger when I was 15 I moved out
and by the time I was 18 living in La I
think I moved to six different houses in
three different cities like it was a lot
and when I got to La I was noticing
myself being like I want to move to New
York like I want to move to New York and
then I literally went to like my
therapist office and she was like girl
like don't you see a pattern like don't
you see a cycle well she didn't say that
but like this [ __ ] incense smoke [ __ ]
my throat is dry right now I sound like
I smoke 50 [ __ ] packs a day e why am
I so vulgar 50 [ __ ] packs a day can I
get some water one sec I'll come
back okay okay okay this incense smoke
is crazy right now so yeah I'm in my
therapist office she's like girl like
there's a cycle going on and then I
realize oh [ __ ] you're right like maybe
I do run away from all my problems and
maybe I do seek external validation and
I seek stuff outside of me to fulfill me
and I think that that is going to make
me happier and I think that oh my God if
I moved here then I would have this
friend group and I would do this with my
life and I would have these hobbies and
if I just had this and if I just had
that I would just be a little bit more
happy and so that's why I moved every 6
months because I would get to where I
wanted to be and then I'd be like all
right on to the next on to the next and
on to the next and I was like oh
[ __ ] um I don't think it's the city
problem I think it's a you problem and I
was
like caught your ass you're right so
then what did I do I was like you know
what Ma you are going to be a big girl
girl you're going to discipline yourself
and you're going to say you are not
allowed to move until you finish your
lease and I was like you know what yeah
you're right you're right let's let's be
responsible here okay so I just lived my
life I I lived my life and I uh was so
[ __ ] bored out of my mind because I
didn't really have friends and I didn't
really leave my house like I didn't
really leave past my like community and
I was like literally 17 years old at
this time you know so I have like so
much [ __ ] energy like at the end of
the day I'm still a [ __ ] teenager
like like I need something to do I was
like okay how can I make my life here in
La entertaining so I just started waking
up like I wish I was joking guys I
didn't know what the [ __ ] to do so I was
like let's just go go go mode so at this
time I was like going through a little
bit of heartbreak too and you know when
you go through a little bit of
heartbreak you're
like go time go time it's [ __ ] go
time granted also if you want to know
the impact that this had on my life and
the where the story is going this
heartbreak was the worst [ __ ]
heartbreak ever like I think let me let
me grab the journal
I promise you guys this story is going
somewhere please believe me
okay if you want to know this heartbreak
and how bad this was and how pivotal
this was for my life this was a book
called It's like literally faded to all
the boys I've ever given a [ __ ] about
and it like had his name here in pepp in
pen and I crossed out to all the like
boys I wrote to all the and I wrote his
name and like you can see this journal
is [ __ ] used
bro like there's so much in here and
it's a whole book and it's like
literally almost done and it
starts this book starts in New York City
because I was traveling to New York City
while I was living in LA in August 28th
2021 I said I have so much to write
about I don't even know where to start
first of all this is just the start of a
new Journal wow this is my first time
finishing a journal oh my gosh what no
way I guess my journaling this is what I
mean when I say guys like this point in
my life when I lived in La was like the
most pivotal point of my life because do
you see how many journals I've done
since 2021 like I I I wow like when I
explain to you where this story is going
like you guys can really see my inner
thoughts and like how like what was
going on this is my first time finishing
Journal it feels so good I can't wait to
go back and be able to read all of these
no
way I can't believe this is my first
time rereading it oh my God oh my God oh
my God okay
okay oh my God I was listening to the
song make you mind like I literally
wrote on on here what song I was
listening
to okay
this plane ride is finally over and dude
I was thinking about you the whole
time I'm thinking back to the night we
both told each other we liked each other
and G that moment was a moment I will
always
remember I don't know what was in the
[ __ ] air that
night you know that I want to be with
you all the
time damn bro I really liked this boy um
sorry I like literally didn't realize
how much I like liked this boy and now
that I think about it I'm like oh my God
girl I literally wrote 222 I said I
don't know if I believe in angel numbers
but it's so crazy what happened today so
I was I so I post this whole thing about
about this guy on Instagram and I had a
fan DM me 222 she noticed I mentioned it
three times in the story and then oh
okay I get it so I guess I was talking
about something and then I mentioned the
number two and the number of times that
I mentioned two in the story was three
times so it turned out to 222 and this
girl sent me this thing about 222 and
she says she sends a link and I read it
222 and a sense of balance the state of
Perfect Balance according to Carl Jung
it is the union of masculine and
feminine principles or the meeting place
between the conscious and subconscious
mind therefore 222 can signify where a
Time Everything feels right and that
this could be a moment when you were
able to come to terms with your past and
move on from it and then I said the guy
that I was talking about was literally
talking to me about that last night
exactly like oh my God I remember she
sent me the link and then it had a
reference to Carl Jung and like what it
means and then this guy that I was
talking to the night before was
literally talking to me about Carl Jung
for the first time so I go on my spam
account story to talk about this guy and
like the things that he was talking
about you know what I'm going to try to
find the stories but but but but I guess
she sent me this link and it just
started talking about the same thing
that this guy was talking about and the
reason why she found this link was
because I mentioned 222 nothing to do
with the Carl Jung thing but it's
because the 222 and you know what's so
crazy I don't like I don't know what the
f okay I'm just going to be so honest
with you guys like I know some people
are going to think I'm crazy for this
whole Angel Number [ __ ] cuz like I don't
know what I believe in and stuff but I
do think that whatever you believe in
and whatever you your like genuine
belief and faith is in your reality is
going to shift to be whatever you
believe in because like whatever you
have in your head you're going to start
seeking things out to validate yourself
and and I think that if your your mind
is on you believe something like this
then you're going to try to find some
sense of meaning right understand and
it's like the stronger you believe
whatever it is you believe in the
stronger you believe the more the belief
will happen basic principles so this
whole Tut three thing why the [ __ ] did I
write about this and like literally a
month ago not even 3 weeks ago I was
going to book this flight because I was
just so like I was at this turning point
in my life not this turning point I
didn't realize it was a turning point
until right now in this moment when I'm
realizing that it's a turning point
because I'm reading this okay we're you
guys are probably like this girl is
[ __ ] crazy why am I watching a 30
minute podcast at this point of this
girl time is currently 6:30 a.m. and
tell me why my first thought this
morning was let me get on a plane and go
to the Bahamas did something happen yes
something did happen am I upset a little
like I let myself sleep on it okay girl
that price just bumped up I'm going to
go check this on my laptop cuz what the
[ __ ] they are taxing me right now call
to book I don't want to call to bit let
me just try to get a one way because
what the [ __ ] all of a sudden oh my God
oh my God oh my God look it says $199 it
says $199
$9 we're getting a flight right now that
the flight is at 8:30 a.m. though okay
okay okay to literally get in the Uber
right after this to try to catch this
fight girl where are my credit cards
yikes where is my other credit card oh
my God my laptop just died it just died
it just died [ __ ] I'm not seeing no
sign from the universe today mm- it
doesn't work like that look at this it
says laptop dead mm- my P is telling me
to go I think the universe is trying to
tell me be mature stay back deal with
your emotion stop running away and I
said [ __ ] you just kidding I love you
listen A girl's got to do what she's got
to do oh my God look at this guys look
at this look at this you can't tell me
that's
insane and then like literally I was so
anxious and I remember like sitting on
the train and being like Oh my God like
God please give me a sign like [ __ ]
anything please because I was talking to
my friend the other day and they were
like yeah you just need to like anyways
anyway and then my receipt you know what
oh my God I have film pictures of us in
here oh my God speaking about signs
literally on November 27th I literally
wrote I'm so confused I need a sign I
don't know what's meant to happen I'm
getting so many signs I just don't
understand I guess please just give me a
sign wow what I was just talking about
right there about like Signs and if you
seek things out and the fact that I just
found this page that says the end I'm so
confused I need a sign like I guess I
finished this journal off like oh my God
and then this soundtrack I was listening
to I played in the background it says
falling in love with someone you can't
havea I said damn it's been a full week
since I've written about you I'm
listening to the music that I used to
write so many I wrote essays what I I
went I wrote essays because I meant like
I used to write so many pages about like
how I was feeling about him so I said
I'm listening to the music that I used
to listen that I used to write essays
about you too this feels so weird I want
to cry because this brings me back to
New York when I wrote about you Non-Stop
and now I'm starting to forget about you
oh my god at this point it had been
since August from March April May June
July August September October November
August September October at this point
it had been like only 2 months and I was
like just like writing about how like
I'm starting to forget about
it honestly I think that we might be
done
I I know I shouldn't be manifesting this
but I truly believe that we are not
right for each
other there's going to be lots more
people out there that'll treat me like
the queen I
am holy [ __ ] I'm having a full circle
moment right now and like I don't know
if this is too vulnerable to share but
like I shouldn't have to beg for the
bare minimum from you I want my
future boyfriend to be excited to call
me and be excited to text
me I
guess but we were just not compatible
and that's okay we were not good with
each other most definitely learned a lot
from you but we were not compatible and
that's okay LOL wow and I was just
saying in my video to day literally that
I filmed today and I was saying like you
just have to be compatible with the
person and this is no wrong or right on
anybody this is literally just like we
were not compatible and you got to make
sure that you feel good around the
people that you're with and that they
should uplift you and like be there
anyway and I can't believe I wrote
that honestly whatever is the first word
that came to my head what happened
happened what a fun chapter in my age of
18 that was a fun four months that
changed my life one day I'll read these
all back and laugh obviously a little
upset but it's different I'm not
thinking I want you it's more like a
wait I'm crying it's more like wait I
guess I was crying in this moment but
it's different I'm not thinking I want
you it's more like a wait I'm crying
it's more like a we were two teens
having fun there was innocence about it
which I don't know if I'll find again
but I don't know if that's what I want I
just know that it was one of a kind I
know I won't love like that again a oh
wait this is my first time reading
this and I was literally talking about
this today in my get ready with me video
which maybe I'll play maybe I'll post
that after this
actually but like I was just trying to
find a story time to tell and I was like
let me tell this story time about how
like um I self-sabotaged myself when I
was like a teenager like and I was just
telling this story but like now I'm like
reading my inner thoughts for the first
time and I'm like this is so crazy sorry
not to cry but I like haven't felt these
emotions I love being a girl okay okay
is this video about to be called like
reading out my love
letters
okay I know I won't love like that
again I found my age with you I felt
like this was a chapter I skipped over
and went back
to it felt so good being a teen just
blindly in love oh my God I wrote about
that because I grew up really fast I
need to stop
crying oh my god
wow okay I wrote that because like I
grew up really fast so I never really
got to experience like what it was like
going to college and what it was like
like having a teen romance like I didn't
like have a boyfriend in high school I
like never really had a boyfriend like
once in Middle School in six grade but
like I never had a boyfriend up until
like I was out of high school so I never
got to experience what it was like like
going to the mall or like just going out
to eat with your boyfriend or like just
sitting in bed and watching TV like I
never got to experience that and like I
wrote in here like I felt my age with
you and I felt like this oh my God so I
never really knew you God I really tried
to
I felt my age with you I felt like this
was a chapter I skipped over and went
back to it felt so good being a teen
just blindly in love but it was what I
needed in my life it's crazy how meant
to be everything was I can't believe you
were all I can't believe you were all
meant to be just 2 months ago you were
laying where I am now and we were
confessing our feelings to each other
now looking back at it it's like we
never
had it's like we never had what we
had
I used to wake up next to you I can't
believe I used to fall asleep next to
you hands
interlocked I wasn't expecting to write
this much blank thank you I learned so
much from you I learned to
unapologetically be myself I learned
about spirituality I journaled because
of you I started reading books because
of you I learned about affirmations
because of you I learned about crystals
in meditation because of you learned
Love Languages and I learned words of
affirmation I learned so much thank you
these past four months have been
life-changing I hope to see you succeed
in life and achieve everything you want
I oh my God girl I was like literally
only like 18 I know you go through a lot
I hope one day you can work through
everything I know you battle with your
thoughts and I hope you get over it and
you kill it out there and I hope you
kill it out there [ __ ]
wow oh my God I feel like I haven't like
I I haven't opened up this book guys how
did we get
here I hope you work on yourself further
because you are great we may not have
worked out but we were both young and
this was an amazing chapter in my life I
hope everything goes amazing for you I
will always remember you as the boy that
changed my life and I will be telling my
kids about you you were dope the sound
of your laugh I hope I remember forever
oh my God I don't remember the sound of
his laugh oh [ __ ] that was the most
precious thing to me genuinely hearing a
laugh from you I think I have love for
you I love you but for now it's bye I'm
crying I actually love you and I can't
wait to come back and read this
I love you my oh my God oh my God oh my
God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my
God and that's why I wrote the
end oh my God
a it's crazy cuz like I don't even like
this boy anymore or anything it's
literally just like I feel like I'm like
my old self
again you know what I mean and feel like
I'm like young and in love again reading
this I'm like oh my God I didn't realize
I felt so many
emotions sometimes I would think oh my
God sometimes I think I wish I never met
you but I wouldn't be the person I am
today bro I'm like literally crying
editing
this
wow wow okay hopefully I Chapter this
video out so you can skip to wherever
you want to go cuz I'm not going to make
you watch through this all hi so if you
just skip through all that sorry if I'm
crying
we uh just went through a lot
but so during this time as you guys can
see I was going through a lot and I
wanted to move to New York and like I
was like going through a lot and I was
like moving to New York would solve my
problems I was traveling to New York a
little here and there and so like we got
to the point where it's like November I
want to move to New York vlogmas is
happening I'm waking up at 5:00 a.m.
every day editing a video till 10:00
going to the gym you know seeing the
same people seeing the same trainers
walking my dog going to sleep at 9:00
drinking tea reading books meditating
crystals because I just learned so much
much and at this point I was [ __ ]
heartbroken so I told myself that I was
going to be celibate for a year and like
literally not entertain any boys not
flirt with any boys not kiss with any
boys literally nothing for one year
straight and I'm like 18 bro like I'm
like 18 living in La about to move to
New York like I'm like you know what I
mean like that was a good discipline to
me okay and I wasn't seeing very many
people and I think during this time I
was consuming a lot of like books and
like in hindsight like there's this
podcast it's in hindsight I've like
watched every single episode of his is
and during this time I remember I saw
this video and it was just talking about
like him going Cate or whatever I'm
saying like or whatever cuz like this
video isn't trying to push anything on
you I'm just trying to tell you like my
story and I know that that can I don't
know that just sounds like yeah like sex
is bad but that's not what I'm trying to
say at all guys that's not what I'm
trying to get across but you can just
see how much I was like just focusing on
myself here right so then my lease is up
and then I moved to New York and I think
that my content changed a lot from me
moving from LA to New York for cont when
I moved from La like literally the day
before I moved or something like that
same week to New York from La like I hit
1.8 million subscribers I think and
within a year of moving to New York I
hit 3 million so how did it take me like
10 years to build up to 1.8 million and
then only 11 years to get to 3 million
like that one year of me moving really
did a lot and I think that it was more
than just the move though because like
my content just shifted because I just
started like making more videos about
like the [ __ ] that I like to watch you
know like I like watching aesthetic home
content so I started posting about
aesthetic home content and also like I
just started going to the gym more doing
more self-care I was doing my
affirmations more I was meditating I was
going outside I started to appreciate
nature more that is one of the really
big things that started happening are
you guys seeing the dots connect here
like we we like you seeing had a
heartbreak he taught me books crystals
meditation [ __ ] being myself all
unapologetically like he was really into
fashion and stuff like that so then I
like started to really just start
experimenting with fashion and like
seeing what I liked like I like went on
that journey by myself do you see the
emotions and the feeling that I had and
see how strongly I started pouring into
myself do you see this is this is how
I'm trying to explain it do you see how
how much I just started like going back
into myself I started journaling
realized that this this journal was
because I started journaling and I
started writing down my thoughts and I
started being with my thoughts and I
started being with my feelings and I
started you know focusing on myself I
started going to the gym I started
waking up and going to sleep at the same
time every single night I started going
outside I started going on walks I
started maybe doing some meditations
here and there you know what I mean oh I
and then I also started minimalism like
I literally got rid of all my [ __ ]
clothes everything and I literally had
like sorry sorry for the literally I had
like a closet and like that was it I had
like maybe five shirts two jackets like
I that I I just and I stopped buying
[ __ ] I literally stopped buying [ __ ] for
like full 6 months when I moved to New
York like anything that was unnecessary
like I slept on a mattress topper for
the first like month living in New York
like I just
went berserk but in the best way
possible what that made me realize was
like what do I actually like need in
life to like be content with myself and
then I realized after doing the routine
and everything that I did like maybe
life isn't about like waking up every
single day and like thinking about oh my
God what's the next big thing I'm going
to do where am I trying to go where am I
trying to move what job am I trying to
get what's the next thing after you
achieve you want the next and you want
the next and you want the next and I was
like oh my God maybe it's not about cuz
the what the next to me was moving to
New York impulsively cuz I thought that
that's what I needed you know what I
mean to like jump to the next and I was
like no like it's okay to like just be
in calm State you don't have to always
be ah ah ah like girl you can like live
and live a normal life and like not have
to do something different all the time
you know so then I realized throughout
all this like okay I'm content with
doing the same things every single day I
actually really do find fulfillment and
joy in going to sleep at night knowing
that I'm going to do my skincare and I'm
going to get to read my book and I'm
going to get to you know wake up the
next day and go to the gym and make my
favorite breakfast like I started to
find the joy in the little things in
life because I was [ __ ] bored as [ __ ]
in La that's basically what I'm trying
to say here like I was just like you
know what how the [ __ ] can I how else
can I be excited about my life but not
have to move myself across the country
you know like let's find the little
things my and so after all this getting
rid of all my things only having a
couple pieces of clothing I really just
started to just have me in my thoughts
and it was just like I really just
started to like it kind of made me kind
of go back to what I was saying at the
beginning of this video is that like I
took a step back from Instagram and
YouTube and I was like what am I doing
like where is this going like where you
know and that's kind of like what what
happened throughout the years like
naturally as people we change and like
we grow into new people and stuff but
when we step back to really like look at
it's like are we changing and like
becoming new versions of ourselves
because that's truly like who we are and
that's who we are evolving as we like
grow up and go through life and learn
things or is it because that we're
letting other people influence the way
that we think that we need to be you
know and that's kind of like what
happened when I moved to New York like I
I never really had like a style uh for
my house like I never had like an
interior decorating Vibe or curation or
style like every time I moved I would
have different Aesthetics and different
eras and then when I moved to New York I
I had this Vision once and I was just
imagine myself sitting in this house in
Japan okay cuz one day I'll look back at
this you're in Japan you are in Japan
right now absolutely nothing like they
live in little minimalist like Japanese
houses and that's why they have such
good lives they have their little bamboo
mats just like you're sitting right
now and it was so clear to me like I
could just imagine I like was sitting on
like a wooden floor with like a tatami
mat and it was just all glass walls and
and I could just see the outside and I
could look at the roof and it was like
this and I just like saw myself there
and I was just like oh my gosh like I
really love this and then I had the
thought where I was like wait being like
low to the floor and like grounded like
must be good for you that's why people
in Japan live so long is because they're
constantly getting up and going down and
getting up and going down and and like
it just feels so relaxing and it just
feels like H like you're you know so I
had that thought and that that thought
it wasn't the outside influence or a
picture I saw on Instagram it was me
questioning my thoughts in my head and
being with myself and allowing room to
like be with myself in the space to be
with myself because of all these
compounding effects the little decisions
that I made made me start being a little
bit more in tune with myself and I had
that thought and I questioned it and I
started thinking about it more and I let
it influence my decisions right and so
now I started like then like when I
moved to New York I got like this
outdoor couch like I went on Wayfair and
I bought an outdoor couch and I didn't
drill the [ __ ] arms on it cuz I was
like I don't know I just like the look
you know I just started going on
Facebook Market place and buying random
[ __ ] I I something that I really started
to ask myself is like instead of
thinking what's the vibe that I'm trying
to make like what like what picture am I
trying to recreate just think about what
individual pieces that I like like do I
like this piece on its own if I like
this piece on its own then buy it and
put it in my house and it'll probably
mix and if it doesn't mix and [ __ ] but
it's like you're curating your own Vibe
by looking at individual things and
going based off of do I like this or do
I not not is this going to go with this
picture that I found is this kind of
going towards the inspo is this what
this person would like is this what this
person would do it's like more
like why do you want to do it now you
can see my house it's just like a mix of
[ __ ] random [ __ ] that I bought random
things which you guys will see in the
next Vlogs but we need to stop being so
easily influenced I feel like we're all
so
gullible me included where it's like I
don't think we realize that the content
that we consume online and the people
that we surround ourselves with and like
what we see on social media how much
that is affecting who we are today and
who we show up as that's why Trends
exist on Tik Tok that is why Tik Tok is
what Tik Tok is is because us as humans
us as humans yeah we naturally want to
connect with people whether that's in
real life or not in real life we are
constantly trying to be validated and
like have us be heard and Tik Tok does
that you know like you your algorithm is
so finely attuned to your thoughts and
what you think so it's going to push the
same content to you and it's going back
to the me point that I mentioned before
that like your beliefs like your reality
is going to show up as what you believe
let's say I believe the Earth was
flat that's crazy to say but let's say
that I believe that the Earth was flat
if we were homies I would probably try
to convince you that the Earth was flat
as well and maybe you would start
believing that the Earth is flat you
know because naturally as humans we say
our ideas in hopes that people connect
with us and feel the same you have your
idea of what your dream life is maybe
you want to [ __ ] do the cottage core
life live on a farm take care of your
goats with your 10 children truly deep
down you watch that content and you're
like oh that seems pretty nice you say
this out loud to your friend Stacy
you're like Stacy I think that I want to
live this life isn't this so cool and
she goes uh yeah I don't know like I
don't think I could ever do that like I
think that like I really want to like
live in like a really nice home in like
California go to the beach every single
day you wouldn't miss like going to a
coffee shop and then what's that going
to make you start doing being like Oh
like yeah like maybe maybe she she is an
aun about something maybe she is right
yeah does make sense it's a little bit
far and like what happens if there's an
emergency that's what I mean when I say
stop being so easily influence are you
still listening to this if you are can
you comment rice
ball please I just realized I've been
recording for like an hour straight and
I feel like with this spring season
changing and and and the weather getting
nicer I feel like this is like the
perfect time for transformation and it's
like the physical world and the physical
thing that we're seeing right now it's
like l Lally changing the seasons are
changing the weather is changing the
plants are changing the trees are
changing everything is changing so we as
people are also changing like we're a
part of nature as well and like life the
animals are coming out of hibernation
you know what I mean like the sun's
coming out we're going to start feeling
better about ourselves it's time for
that spring cleaning we're going to feel
more energy like if you have been
sleeping in if you haven't been eating
the best if you haven't been working out
if you haven't been studying if you
haven't been your sharpest if you
haven't been hanging out with people as
much that is okay y'all we just went
through a season of winter okay our year
starts now our year can start now
something that I really think that we
can start doing to feel validated and to
feel you know comfortable in our own
skin and expressing ourselves and just
really like just being more in tune with
ourselves to kind of guide us where we
need to go and like kind of just trust
ourselves more and like be confident in
our ideas and be confident in where we
want to go in life and you know like
just really tune back into ourselves and
what we want and what our younger self
would have wanted for us is to just
start writing down your thoughts writing
down your ideas like it doesn't even
have to be just journaling like you know
you guys saw like how much journaling
changed my life like clearly that was
the first I was writing about how I
finished my first Journal when I open
that so like I hadn't been getting into
it long now and fast forward 3 years
later you know writing down my thoughts
has completely changed my life like you
don't have to journal you could you
could sticky note it write it in your
notes I do all types of journaling like
if I'm out and about I'm on my phone or
I don't want to grab my journal I just
write it in my not right away anytime I
get an idea it goes in my notes if I see
something on social media like I
screenshot and then later on I can
organize my screenshots into like a
vision board or something like that's
what all this is or you know if I like
have thoughts like a to-do list to ask I
put it on my whiteboard if I have new
ideas anything I Journal I write I just
what that does is it allows you to like
validate your thoughts and it allows you
to you know ideate on your ideas a
little bit and it's like it could be any
form of just getting your thoughts out
voice memos like literally anything
because you don't know how impactful it
is when you write things down it shows
yourself this is important like this is
an idea like this is okay you know
you're writing it out and like even if
it's a bad idea good idea you won't know
what's a bad idea or what's a good idea
if you don't write it out when you write
it out it's like you know that it's
there and it's going to be there and you
know and it allows new thoughts to come
in and new ideas to come in and allows
you compare different things just write
it out it'll clear your brain up you'll
have so many new thoughts you'll realize
like how many ideas that you have
yourself whatever you're questioning
something in your life you don't know
how to do something you have more mental
Clarity or like just you know to just
let more ideas flow through you and I
feel like for me personally joy in my
life and what brings me like happiness
is like just being able to create and
that doesn't mean videos that doesn't
mean a specific thing it's just being
able to get my thoughts out into the
world and whether that just be typing it
down or or doing a little more research
on it or or you know making a vision
board or if I see something on social
media and I and I and I like it then I
can screenshot it and I'm like H what
what what do I like about this thing
like why do I like this picture so much
like being intentional about like
scrolling on social media and the
content that I'm consuming because like
this goes back to like instead of just
scrolling and through [ __ ] and like not
thinking at all at least like if we're
going to scroll like start asking
ourselves questions this is all about
asking ourselves questions and like
introspection and like figuring out why
we like things and why we don't like
things because that then later on leads
to you know your house being pretty
because you genuin and like you not
having to like buy new house furniture
all the time because you genuinely like
like the pieces in your house because
you really ask yourself questions same
thing with your wardrobe you won't be
buying new pieces of clothing all the
time because you started to buy things
that you actually like so I was just
rambling for an hour and 22 minutes
straight all this to say start running
your ideas Down Start believing yourself
you know the next time that you have an
idea just write it down don't even try
to you don't have to try to correct your
thoughts and be like positive or
anything like I know it's hard just
write your thoughts down and that's all
you need to do that's all I'm asking you
just write your thoughts down you have
no idea how much that's going to change
your life seriously just write down your
thoughts bad good no one's going to see
them bro no one's going to see them
they're for yourself and you're going to
thank yourself later because look at the
[ __ ] emotional impact that the
journal just had on me and I hope to be
able to come back to YouTube and just be
able to make videos that I love making
and I hope that you enjoy them as well
and I just want my videos to just make
somebody feel something it doesn't
necessarily mean have to be talking like
this or anything I'm just going to still
do my regular Vlogs but I just want you
to feel something when you watch my
videos you know what I mean and like
being able to just like sit with my
thoughts and sit with my ideas and be
able to ideate on things and realize
what do I like and what do I not like
and just now I'm going to be able to
show up and just be more myself and I'm
going to have so much more fun making
videos so much more fun doing alchemi so
much more fun just with my life I hope
because I'm just doing I'm just being me
you know without having to think like
how do I look on Instagram and all this
[ __ ] I'm going to try to be nicer to
myself about the way that I like cuz I'm
probably going to look back on this
video and be like cringe cringe like bro
I recorded a whole video had it edited
and then I was like cringe yeah well I
love you and if you enjoyed this video
and you stayed this long comment um I
love I love I love let's comment if
you're reading this I love you just if
you're reading this I love you if you
stayed this long at the end of this
video comment um if you if you're
reading this I love you because imagine
being somebody that clicks on this video
they're just right at the one minute
Mark and they see all the comments
saying if you're reading this I love you
like how are you not going to feel a
little bit better you know I was reading
this book they were talking about how
you know when you think about like
having an interaction with a person or
like just doing anything like that like
think about how you can make it more
positive or like at least leave it
neutral but like never have somebody
walking away feeling negative like so
whenever I like go throughout my day
recently I've just been like making sure
that like if I'm like speaking to the
cashier at the bodega I'll like Sprite
spark up a conversation or not even that
just say please and thank you really
nicely or give a smile like and you know
somebody's going to click on this video
and they're going to see that if you're
reading this I love you and they're
going to feel better so let's all
tomorrow make our intentions or whenever
you're reading this try to make one of
your intentions and you can keep this in
your back pocket for whenever you need
just an intention is to just make sure
that you're leaving the person that you
see or whatever you do a little bit more
positive leave it the same or leave it a
little bit more positive but never leave
something more negative or worse you
know and that all goes back to we should
leave nature how we found it and pick up
our trash okay bye
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)
OMG KENDRICK LAMAR.. !! | Future, Metro Boomin - Like That (Official Audio)
Tom Brady on football journey, life after the rings, lessons, being a dad & self growth | The Pivot
CARDI B: MILLION DOLLAZ WORTH OF GAME EPISODE 265
STUCK In A Car With Chris Sturniolo
Big Sean: Tiny Desk Concert
Smosh Cast Responds to Assumptions About Them (ft. Shayne Topp, Keith Leak Jr, Angela Giarratana)