Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department ALBUM REVIEW

poetry hi everyone Anthony fantano here

the internet's busiest music nerd and

it's time for a review of the new Taylor

Swift album The tortured poet's

Department oh my gosh can you believe it

I got accepted I'm in I don't even want

to know your buddy Kell's going to

college on a full scholarship to the

tortured poets Department I just want to

do this review but I have to leave today

do not care anony you know this is

always been a dream of mine and you

can't change my mind please leave you

make a compelling case but my fate as a

tortured poet awaits okay well this is

the latest and 11th fulllength album

from singer and songwriter Miss Taylor

Swift who has been on a massive run over

the last several years of her career

between her indie folk sister albums

folklore and Evermore uh which received

a bounty of critical Acclaim to her

commercially triumphant return to pop on

the following album midnights not too

long ago Taylor is also currently kneed

deep in her Taylor's version Series

where uh she is re-recording all of her

older albums on her past label so she

owns the masters of them which is just

more money in her pocket and speaking of

money there's also the AAS tour and AAS

tour film which globally uh has

generated billions milons of dollars in

Revenue Taylor is currently at a level

of stardom that in today's music

industry is just unmatched and

Untouchable and I went into this new

record here uh wondering how that would

be reflected in her work because

historically Taylor is an artist whose

current state very much shows up in her

work whether we want it to or not

whether it's through the versatility and

creative freedom that she was exploring

on lover her first record when she kind

of came off of her label big machine and

I'm sure many of us remember just how

bitter and Petty and incensed she was

over her Public Image on reputation

presumed to be the next record she'll

take on in her Taylor's version series

which would be fitting if true because I

feel like Taylor is in a similar Place

emotionally with this record now the

tortured poet's Department would not be

the first time Taylor has taken on the

role as a woman scorned heartbroken torn

apart but now that we are there again

Taylor is drinking from that well

harder than ever like a dehydrated camel

which is saying something because she

has a reputation for dropping a breakup

song or two but this time I would say

it's different she's going to new

lengths because in the abstract of

course there's nothing wrong with

Penning musical screeds about your exes

even multiple times over especially when

you are provably great at it I mean

Taylor is just in her bag creatively

when there is an ex to be mad at which

is why the tortured poets Department

should be be great but it's not and

there's a laundry list of reasons why

firstly there are numerous tracks on

this thing with tedious pacing flabby

song structures uh very indulgent as far

as length goes like why make who's

afraid of little old me 5 minutes when

you get the point across in half the

time not to mention that the 2hour

length of the deluxe version of this

record is a bit daunting and I usually

do like long albums secondly the endless

strings of metaphors and similes across

the lyrics on this record that just fall

flat I mean for example the worst part

of down bad isn't the soon to be dated

lingo that the title is based on no it's

the fact that this scenario for whatever

reason drove Taylor to tie in all of

these uh themes of alien abduction she's

really just forcing it thirdly the

writing quality on these tracks really

makes it difficult to feel for Taylor in

the midst of all of this heartbreak

because some of the most telling moments

on the record actually come across like

inadvertent self- owns even on one track

I actually enjoy the smallest man who

ever lived uh Taylor sings you said

normal girls were boring but you were

gone by the morning kind of seems like

he was admitting something there why why

is it not clicking fourth reason this

record is really falling short is that

uh Taylor hasn't really taken the time

conceptually or sonically to formulate a

new sound a new Direction a new

Evolution to coincide with this latest

album cycle which she usually does with

her new albums and as a result the

material on this record in the broader

pop landscape sounds derivative sounds

redundant sounds uninspired she clearly

has not had enough downtime in between

re-recording records writing new stuff

touring to actually formulate something

refreshing and I think she's closing

those creative gaps by copying her

contemporaries homework or or just not

worrying about how uh common what she's

saying and what she's singing what she's

writing is like with but daddy I love

him Ariana Grande kind of already wrote

the angry at my audience for dragging me

over my boyfriend anthem of the year

with the yes and and what Taylor has

delivered over here is a much more

Awkward experience the song I'm going to

get you back that is on the deluxe

version of this record Olivia Rodrigo

literally did this same word Play Con

cep on get him back with her latest

record did Taylor not think we were

going to notice or that figure out that

Olivia did it better the lyrics on the

title track read like an attempt at some

chaotic Slice of Life situation

storytelling that you might get out of a

Phoebe Bridger song something along

those lines just spilling out all these

internal thoughts like who uses

typewriters anyway and oh you smoked and

ate seven bars of chocolate and we

declared Charlie poth should be a bigger

arti artist I can't imagine being this

vapid on a song and then in the same

track declaring that you have uh the

foresight and the awareness to uh know

what is better for your ex and that

nobody is going to love them in the way

that you love them there's also Florida

as well as who's afraid of little old me

where Taylor cannot help herself from

ripping off Lana Del re again and again

and again not only lyrically but vocally

and melodically and this time thanks

Jack an off she's having him pull

together these uh big orchestral hits of

guitars and whatever other layers he's

stringing together too I can kind of see

why Taylor is daring her contemporaries

to come for her job at the very end of I

can do it with a broken heart because if

I was this uh lacking in new fresh ideas

I would feel paranoid too what number

reason am I on for why this album stinks

another thing about this record is that

it is uncharacteristically sloppy for

Taylor in terms of songwriting execution

and what I mean by that is the tracks

we're hearing on this record feel not so

much like songs as much as it feels like

Taylor is just spilling tea I mean for

sure it's true that Taylor is one of the

most obsessed over stars on the planet

uh I know way more things about her than

I would like to from her dating history

to her flight itinerary but this is like

the general information that's floating

around about her online on any given day

and look chances are our fans were going

to uh regardless of the content on this

album put two and two together and

figure out that a great deal of the

songs on this LP are in fact about

singer songwriter Maddie Healey of the

1975 and the very shortlived public

relationship that he and Taylor shared

not too long ago that was going to come

out regardless but what reads as weird

is that she's not even trying to hide it

from the tattoos to me of his polarizing

personality to this sad

self-sabotaging artsy boy archetype that

is portrayed on this record uh she even

makes mention of his past struggles with

drugs including uh heroin which in that

instance she paraphrases him on the

track the Alchemy in a way that kind of

makes him worthy of a writer's credit uh

he jokes that it's heroin but this time

with an E genuinely Wittier than most of

Taylor's attempts at word play on this

record the point is Taylor is so

desperate to make these connections for

her fans that she's forgotten that

sometimes there is strength in subtlety

and if you think I'm lying or making

things up here just look at the fact

that she capitalized the letters k i and

m in the title of the song about Kim

Kardashian a bam guess who this song's

about so at this point despite Taylor

constantly portraying the world as being

very much against her the biggest threat

to her Public Image at this point is

actually her she clearly wants the world

to know how deeply obsessed she is with

a man and a relationship that seemed

doomed from the start and also led to

some of the biggest PR nightmares of her

career and she also seems to want her

haters to have a point when they talk

about her being drunk on her own Tears

by writing and releasing some of her

most narcissistic songs to date if you

wanted me dead you should have just said

I was gentle till the circus life made

me mean let's not forget lines about her

coming down from Gallows and being

raised in an asylum oh and also so tell

me everything is not about me but what

if it is which I have not had a heartier

laugh at an album uh in 2024 than right

there with that line I think the final

reason as to why this record for me is

such a Miss is the production from Jack

antinoff who I think to put it bluntly

she needs to stop working with him or

they just need to take a break because

their creative partnership on this

record is not yielding the results it

used to I mean it wasn't enough that we

got smothered in boring toothless syth

pop uh that was so damn washed out with

overcooked vocals to on midnights but

we're now getting multiple instrumentals

on this record here that feel like

Midnight's leftovers but worse or it's

just Jack forcing some awful 80s pasti

onto Taylor songs that make them sound

dated upon impact and it's a mismatch

too because I feel like at their core

there are so many songs on this record

that are just dying or Screaming to be

country songs or at least have uh some

bright guitars and Punchy drums backing

instrumentation that sounds Lively and

Youthful uh like that of an album such

as Fearless I'm thinking about guilty of

sin or Clara Bow or fresh out the

slammer which already has the twangy

guitars at the start or even but daddy I

love him which would absolutely work uh

given just how Brash and immature and

playful the writing on that track is the

fact of the matter is Jack's work with

Taylor is just not as refreshing as it

used to be whether it's the random

bloopy bleepy synth bits at the start of

so long London or the dance beats that

break into I can do it with a broken

heart that sound like the fraking Blue

Man Group which is a shame because that

truly is one of the better songs on this

record so I don't think Jack is bringing

his best work and I don't think Taylor

is bringing her best work either and

while I understand there of course will

be fans who will defend This Record

until the death admiring how vulnerable

and unfiltered it is that's also the

problem because this album is also very

unedited it's also very unchallenged the

opening track fortnite for example I

think is one of the best picks you could

get off this record for a single but

post Malone feels like he's just kind of

filling a void performance-wise there

are any number of dudes you could put

into this song and you would get roughly

the same uh experience as out of it

maybe Charlie poth should have been on

it my boy only breaks his favorite toys

has one of the clunkiest choruses and

titles on the entire record it's like

Taylor is trying to shoot her own song

in the foot here by packing it with so

much verbiage that it's not likely to

have any hit potential there's also so

long London which I'm sitting here

scratching my head thinking what is this

the track is just constant tension and

escalation without any release it really

goes nowhere fast we also have Florida

which there is no musical idea on this

record more hairbrained than putting

Taylor on the same song as Florence

Welch which I love her voice and I like

Taylor's voice as well I enjoy both

their vocal styles respectively but they

don't mix together it's like oil and

water or hearing a tricked out new age

synthesizer rig U fighting against cello

not to mention the song reads like a bad

tourism ad or just something that you

had to be there for at at a time share

in Destin Jesus meanwhile I can fix him

reads more like a whisper quiet diet

tribe than a song and the track sticks

out for all the wrong reasons given

lyrics about being able to handle a

dangerous man which narratively that's

clearly not how the album pans out and

the song does little to explain exactly

how silly and I guess futile this kind

of mindset is love of my life though in

my opinion is one of the best clear-cut

ballads on the entire record even if the

piano parts are a little basic but it is

really the most moving and compelling

song on the entire album about a

relationship not really working out as

there's something very beautiful about

its Simplicity its starkness it's a

breathy dramatic vocal delivery images

of dancing Phantoms on the Terrace uh

being secondhand embarrassed clearly

they are reacting to every other moment

on the album not this one but at least

on this track in the lyrics Taylor is

also mature enough to admit that the

relationship this track is about is dead

and it was kind of counterfeit and fake

uh anyway not likely to work out I mean

to me moments like this is really where

Taylor proves her worth as a songwriter

not when she's giving us messy playby

plays about how she's venting to Jack

and venting to Lucy I mean I think

there's a difference between enjoying

Taylor's albums for their music and

their performances and their narratives

or enjoying them because you're deeply

entrenched in the tayor verse and you're

obsessively combing through the lyrics

on each song like the convoluted plot of

the 30th Marvel sequel the tortured

poets Department very much appeals in

the latter fashion here which is why I'm

feeling uh okay I'm

going okay I'm

going okay I'm going okay leave I'm

going to miss you so much too anney and

you guys as well you wouldn't last an

hour in the Asylum I was raised in

remember blu's po prints will be on the

clu what the [ __ ] look Annie you're just

going to have to accept this change it's

going to be a hard transition have you

given this album a listen this this

isn't how the review is supposed to end

this what is going on what is happening

forever