Trump Snoozes Through Stormy Daniels Trial, Kristi Noem Doubles Down on Puppy Slaying

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

What a hot crowd! [ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my gosh!

Well, it was a beautiful day here in New York City.

Wasn't it beautiful? [ Cheers and applause ]

The temperature's hitting over 80 degrees.

Oh, my goodness. What a treat.

All day long, New Yorkers were sticking out their tongues

and catching the drops of water from A.C. units.

[ Laughter ]

Aw. I remember that as a kid. I love it. Yeah.

Yeah, this morning it was 78 and muggy,

and by this afternoon, it was 81 and sunny.

The weather basically went from this...to this.

[ Laughter ]

81...81...c

[ Chuckles ] 78 and muggy.

Uh, speaking of temperature,

apparently former President Trump has been complaining

during his hush-money trial that the courtroom is too cold.

[ Laughter ]

Then Stormy Daniels was like,

"Your Honor, I've heard that excuse before!"

"Hey. Hey. Everyone! Order! Order!

Order in the court!

I say order!"

-Usher.

-But it's not just the temperature.

Trump's also upset because while the court is in session

he can only drink water.

[ Laughter ]

I guess that's tough for a guy

who usually hydrates with McRib sauce.

So, you know, that's definitely...

[ Slurps ]

That's right. Tomorrow, Trump returns

to court for his hush-money trial.

It's the trial's third week.

And in case you missed what's been going on,

I want to catch you up using clips of Ice-T

from "Law & Order."

It's time for an Ice-T Breakdown.

[ "Law & Order" tones play ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Trump tried to delay the trial, but it didn't work.

And now the judge is looking at Trump's lawyers like...

Now, Trump's charged with making illegal payments

to Stormy Daniels to keep their affair a secret.

He's saying the whole trial is rigged,

but the justice system is saying...

Now, ever -- ever since the trial started,

Trump keeps violating his gag order,

leading the judge to be like...

And so far, Don Jr. hasn't been dragged into this trial

like he has some of the others,

but if he is, people will be like...

Overall, it's wild. An ex-President could go to jail

for trying to cover up his night with a porn star

that he met at a golf tournament,

or as Ice-T put it...

I hope that helped.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Did you guys -- Do you guys see this?

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem is facing --

-[ Crowd jeers ] -You know it.

She's facing criticism because of a personal story

that she wrote about in her new book.

Check this out.

-South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem,

considered to be in the running to become

former President Trump's pick for vice president,

is responding to the backlash

over a story in her upcoming memoir.

In the book, Noem says she shot

and killed her 14-month-old puppy named Cricket

for bad behavior.

-Woman: What?!

-[ Crowd jeering ] -Woman: Come on!

-When you're trying to win over voters,

I'm not sure being the bad guy in a "John Wick" movie

is the best way to go.

[ Laughter ]

You did what?!

Yeah, people are really gonna hate her next book --

"Kristi Noem: Then I Ate It."

And you go, "Hey. That's..."

It's not about the dog. It's not about the dog!

-No! -It's not about the dog.

It's about the cat. -Yeah.

-Uh, no.

Guys, switching gears, during a recent

European Parliament session, a member from Slovakia

found a creative way to make a gesture of peace.

Watch this.

[ Dove cooing ]

-Thank you. Thank you.

Um...

[ Laughter ]

[ Cymbal crashes ]

-Not bad.

All Europe needs peace.

Yeah, a bird flying around indoors.

The other lawmakers are like, "Uh, hey, sir,

what do you think this is -- a Home Depot?"

Yeah, it flew around for hours,

and then finally they just had to call Kristi Noem in.

-Aww! -[ Audience groans ]

-Some movie news. Over the weekend,

Zendaya's new movie, "Challengers,"

a sex-charged drama... [ Cheers and applause ]

...about three tennis players in a spicy love triangle

took the number-one spot at the box office.

For more on this, we turn once again to

our racquet sport correspondent, Garrett Finnley.

Garrett?

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hey, Jimmy! I didn't expect to be back so soon.

-I didn't expect to see such an erotic movie about tennis,

so, of course, we wanted to get your take.

-Yeah. Dude, this is not a surprise to me at all.

Tennis is the perfect sport for steamy hookups.

Think about it.

Everybody's wearing short shorts and skirts...

"love" means nothing...

and every time they hit the ball,

they go -- [ Moaning ]

Now, I just can't wait for all the other racquet sports

to get the erotic-thriller treatment.

-I'm almost afraid to ask.

-I'm glad you asked, Jimmy.

I mean, take badminton.

I think I mentioned last time

they play with a shuttlecock, right?

Kind of writes itself. -Oh, yeah.

How about pickleball?

-That's for people who want a foursome

but don't want to exert themselves too much.

-Okay. Uh, ping-pong?

-That's for when you want to mix it up

and do it in your parents' basement.

-Paddle-ball.

-Oh, that's for people who want to be spanked.

But -- But if you want to be spanked by an exotic foreigner,

that's puh-dell.

-Alright. I got a last question.

Out of all these erotic racquet sports,

which one do you think would be the best fit for me?

-Uh, I'd go with this one, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Oh...

-You having trouble there?

-Oh...come on.

-You alright? Yeah. You alright?

-I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

-Yeah. There you go. Okay. Alright. That's enough, Garrett.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Garrett Finnley, everybody. Garrett Finnley.

-Oh, there it is! There it is! I found it! I found it.

I found it. -Alright. Stop. Alright!

-If I think about it too much... -Get the camera off him.

[ Ball thumping paddle ]

[ Laughter ]

Stop it! Please stop it!

Stop it! Please! Stop! -Ohh!

-Oh. Somebody grab his balls!

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughs ] Whew.

Well, you can't -- You can't unsee that.

You know? You just can't... -No.

-Guys, get this -- New Balance is releasing

a sneaker/loafer hybrid later this year,

and people are calling it "The Snoafer."

Take a look at this thing.

Yeah. Forget the Snoafer.

They should call those Air Bidens.

[ Laughter ]

Good idea.

Guys, I heard that American Airlines

keeps mistaking a 101-year-old woman for a baby

because its system can't process her age.

Kids are like, "Isn't she cute? She's 1,200 months."

[ Laughter ]

"Isn't she cute?"

[ Applause ]

Flight attendant was like, "Aww. Are her teeth coming in?"

They're like, "Actually her teeth --

Her teeth are actually falling out. Uh, sorry."

And, finally, a British man known on TikTok

as the "Wine Guy" drank 25 glasses of wine

during the London Marathon.

By the end, his lips were the color of Merlot,

while his nipples were giving shades of rosé.

We have a great show.

Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen!

-♪ I'll make you laugh, go take a bath ♪

♪ You don't know the half of my structure ♪

[ Rapping continues ]

♪♪

-Oh, wow. Good to see you, bud. Good to see everybody.

Sounding good, Roots. Welcome to the show.

We're so happy to be back.

We have a great week of shows coming up.

Kate Hudson will be here this week.

Uh, Doja Cat will be on the show.

Simu Liu will be here. Chrissy Teigen. John Legend.

And tomorrow night, we've got Tiger Woods and Benny Blanco.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Also, tomorrow night, be sure to tune in on NBC at 10 p.m.

for an all-new "Password."

That's all-new tomorrow night with my pal Keke Palmer.

I just saw Keke Palmer. I went to L.A. this past week.

We had this week off. Went out to Los Angeles.

Did a couple, uh, "For your consideration..."

-Ooh! -Yeah. Interviews.

It's Emmy nomination season,

so everyone's going out and just talking to different people.

And Keke interviewed me for, uh,

this "for your consideration" thing.

She's the best. She's just awesome and fun.

But I went out to L.A. I had fun there.

I went to Pink's Hot Dogs. Shout-out to Pink's.

-Oh, yeah. -Had to get some Pink's

while I was out there.

Johnny's Pastrami. -Love it.

-I did that, too. I'm trying to think of what else I did.

Uh -- Oh. I played in this giant tournament.

Oops. I played in this giant --

Justin Timberlake has a giant golf tournament.

And, you know, I'm a big golfer. Yeah.

-Huge. Huge. -So I went.

Yeah. It was great. I lost.

-Oh. What? -Yeah.

Last year, I -- Because I played with Justin.

He's amazing. This guy can do no wrong.

He's just unbelievable.

He can sing, dance, write, play golf.

Whatever he wants to do. Plays paddle tennis.

-A lot. -Everything.

-Everything. -Yeah. He's just so good.

But, yeah. No. This year, we didn't win, so, yeah.

But there's always next year.

But I had the best time. Thanks to Justin.

Thanks to everyone at the Wynn. I had a great time out there.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But I'm excited to be back!

What a show we have for you tonight.

She stars in the new movie "The Idea of You,"

which begins streaming globally on Prime Video this Thursday.

Anne Hathaway is here tonight!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know her from "Yellowjackets"

and "The Last of Us."

And now you can see her in the new series

"The Tattooist of Auschwitz,"

which is available this Thursday on Peacock.

Melanie Lynskey is joining us!

[ Cheers and applause ]

And we got great music. Oh, my gosh.

The one and only, the super-talented

Lang Lang is here!

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Saint Saens." -"Saint Saens."

-Uh, he's gonna crush it. I'm so happy he's here.

One of the most talented dudes out there.

Guys, this Saturday is the Kentucky Derby,

and our friends over at Ford are the official automotive sponsor,

so they wanted to do something big, okay?

So they wanted to give our viewers a chance

to win a brand-new Ford vehicle of their choice.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This is massive. You got your choice.

You can do an all-electric Mustang Mach-E,

an all-electric Mustang.

These things are fast. Yeah. Mach-E.

And an EcoBoost-powered Bronco.

-Ooh.

-You see those Broncos? They're unbelievable. They're gorgeous.

Or -- because it's the 150th Kentucky Derby --

and F-150 PowerBoost hybrid.

-What?!

-Your choice. You choose.

It's called the Ford Derby Day Sweepstakes.

It is simple to enter.

You just go to tonightshow.com/FordDerbyDay.

Put in all your contact info. You have to be 18 to enter.

You probably -- should probably have your driver's license.

-Yeah. Why not? -I'm assuming.

Seems like a no-brainer, but you never know.

Other than that, you're all good.

The sweepstakes are open right now,

so enter today for your chance to win a brand-new Ford!

Good luck to everyone out there!

[ Cheers and applause ]

We love Ford. They're fun.

I also want to mention another cool thing

that we're doing with Ford. I can't give too much away,

but this Saturday we will be live at the Kentucky Derby,

and we have some really fun stuff planned down there,

so be sure to tune in for that.

That'll be another big thing we're doing.

Speaking of fun stuff with Ford,

it's time to kick off Kentucky Derby Hat Week.

Here we go. -♪ Kentucky Derby Hat Week ♪

♪ Kentucky Derby Hat Week, Kentucky Derby Hat Week ♪

♪♪

-That's right. Every show this week we're giving one

lucky audience member a dashing Kentucky Derby hat

from the Derby Hat starting gate.

Since this is day one, let's open gate number one.

Here we go. Here. You want to help me?

-Oh, yeah. -Thank you, bud. And...

[ Drumroll ]

Wow!

[ Cheers and applause ]

It is a beautiful Kentucky Derby hat.

Now let's see who's going home with tonight's hat.

Everyone, look at your seat number.

If I call your number, I need you to jump up

and let me know where you are

so we can take a look at this hat on you.

Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

Who wants to win this hat?

It's a good hat. [ Drumroll ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

259!

♪♪

Hey! How you doing?

Get over here!

♪♪

Hello. -Hi!

-How are you doing?

What is your name and where are you from?

-I'm Maddie. I'm from New Jersey.

-Hey, Maddie from New Jersey.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Maddie, the Kentucky Derby is this weekend.

Do you have a hat that you were planning on wearing?

-I don't. This is perfect. -It is, right?

It can go with almost everything, right?

-Everything. -This will go perfect with this.

Would you like to try it on tonight?

-Let's try it on. -Let's do this.

Alright, here we go. Roots, a little hat-trying-on music.

♪♪

There's no real wrong way to do it.

♪♪

That's it there.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You got to lean your head back.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. You got to lean back.

That's perfect. [ Laughing ]

Maddie, you look so good. -Thank you.

-Can you keep that on for the whole show?

Yes, absolutely. Yes, she can. That's all the time we have.

Stick around. We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show."