Jon Stewart on America's Decades-Long Battle for Reproductive Rights | The Daily Show

The Daily Show
19 Mar 202415:18

Summary

TLDRThe transcript highlights a satirical take on the contentious issues of abortion and contraception in the United States, featuring a mock trial where anti-abortion activists are ordered to pay damages for their intimidating tactics. It also includes a discussion on 'The Daily Show' with various correspondents and guests, who debate the complexities of reproductive rights, the role of religion in policy-making, and the societal implications of these hot-button topics.

Takeaways

  • πŸ“’ Militant anti-abortionists were ordered to pay $107 million in damages for their website's threatening content against abortion doctors.
  • πŸ€” The defendants argued that their website did not incite violence, and the Dr. Seuss-like rhyme was intended for children, not as a threat.
  • πŸ˜† Pro-choice doctors had mixed feelings about the verdict, with one doctor humorously expressing her relief by saying she would perform an abortion at Disney World.
  • πŸ’¬ The discussion highlighted the ongoing debate on abortion, with emphasis on the impact of the next administration on Roe v. Wade and the Supreme Court.
  • πŸ‘₯ The conversation involved various perspectives, including political correspondents, a comedian, and a cameraman, each contributing their views on the abortion issue.
  • 🌟 The issue of abortion was framed as a fundamental question about the intrinsic worth and value of human life and the point at which it becomes a life.
  • πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ The complexity of the issue was acknowledged, with some arguing that pro-choice advocates may not fully consider the implications of their stance.
  • πŸ‘Ά The topic of embryonic research and IVF was brought up, with a personal story shared about a child born from a frozen embryo, highlighting the emotional and ethical dimensions.
  • πŸ›οΈ The script also touched on the controversy between religious leaders and the Obama administration over mandatory contraception coverage by religious-affiliated institutions.
  • πŸ—£οΈ The hearing on the matter was criticized for its lack of female representation and for some of the extreme rhetoric used by the panelists.
  • πŸ₯Ί A key point of contention was the Catholic Church's stance on covering Viagra but not contraception, leading to questions about the Church's priorities and consistency.

Q & A

  • What was the outcome of the federal jury's decision regarding the anti-abortion website's 'abortion doctor wanted' posters and baby butcher name and address lists?

    -The federal jury found that the anti-abortion website's posters and lists amounted to illegal threats, and the defendants were ordered to pay $107 million in damages.

  • How did the defendant, Charles Wysong of Tennessee's American Rights Coalition, react to the court's decision?

    -Charles Wysong referred to the decision as 'a miscarriage of justice' and defended the posters by stating there was nothing threatening in them.

  • What was the pro-life defendants' claim about their website in relation to inciting violence?

    -The pro-life defendants claimed that their website contained no words that incited violence and that the sentence 'Ill-kay abortion-ay octors-day ow-nay' was merely a playful Dr. Seuss rhyme for children.

  • What was Dr. Newhall's reported reaction to winning $107 million in the case?

    -Dr. Newhall, despite appearing distressed, reportedly jumped in the air and yelled, 'I'm gonna perform an abortion at Disney World' upon learning she had won $107 million.

  • What was the main point of discussion between the senior political correspondents, Mo Rocca and Nancy Walls, on 'The Daily Show'?

    -The main point of discussion was the abortion issue and its impact on the voting decisions of American women, with Mo Rocca emphasizing that for many women, the candidate's stance on choice is a deciding factor.

  • What did Stephen Colbert highlight as a significant omission in the discussion about reproductive rights?

    -Stephen Colbert pointed out that all the discussion about women's reproductive rights was being conducted by men, and questioned why women's voices were not being heard on the matter.

  • What was the fundamental question raised by the guest during the discussion on 'The Daily Show'?

    -The fundamental question raised was whether every human life has intrinsic worth and value, and at what point it becomes society's responsibility to protect that life.

  • What was the issue at the heart of the debate between religious leaders and the Obama administration?

    -The issue was the Obama administration's decision to require religious-affiliated institutions or their insurers to cover contraception as part of their government-mandated healthcare, which some religious leaders opposed.

  • How did the Catholic Church justify its stance on covering Viagra but not contraception?

    -The Catholic Church argued that Viagra addresses a medical problem, whereas contraception is considered a choice and not a specific healthcare need.

  • What was the 'parable of the kosher deli' used to illustrate during the discussion on religious liberty and the contraceptive mandate?

    -The 'parable of the kosher deli' was used to illustrate the potential violation of religious liberty, suggesting that if a business is forced to serve something against its religious beliefs, it is akin to the government sanctioning the deli for not serving pork.

  • How did Jon Stewart respond to the 'parable of the kosher deli'?

    -Jon Stewart refuted the parable by stating that no one is forcing the kosher deli owner to serve ham, and that the situation was more akin to the deli owner refusing to pay taxes because the taxes could potentially fund the purchase of ham.

Outlines

00:00

πŸ“’ Abortion Rights Debate and Legal Consequences

The paragraph discusses a legal case where anti-abortionists were ordered to pay $107 million in damages for their website's content, which included abortion doctor wanted posters and lists of names and addresses, deemed as illegal threats. The defendant, Charles Wysong, argues against the decision, claiming no incitement to violence. Pro-life defendants assert that their website does not promote violence, while pro-choice doctors express mixed feelings about the verdict. The conversation then shifts to a political debate on the abortion issue, highlighting its significance in the election and the potential impact of Supreme Court appointments on Roe v. Wade.

05:01

πŸ‘Ά Ethical and Legal Aspects of Abortion and Contraception

This paragraph delves into the ethical and legal discussions surrounding abortion and contraception. It starts with a debate about the value of human life and the rights of the unborn, questioning when life begins and when society has a responsibility to protect it. The conversation touches on the implications of legalizing abortion, the rights of parents and the government over a child, and the broader societal implications. It also briefly mentions the controversy over embryonic research and IVF, with a personal anecdote about a child born from a frozen embryo.

10:04

πŸ’‘ The Contraception Mandate Controversy

The paragraph focuses on the controversy between religious leaders and the Obama administration over the mandate to provide contraception coverage. It satirizes the arguments made by religious figures, highlighting the perceived double standards in the church's stance on contraception versus other medical treatments like Viagra. The discussion also touches on the public hearings convened by Congressman Darrell Issa, where the issue was debated using various analogies, such as the parable of the kosher deli, which was criticized for its lack of relevance to the actual situation.

15:06

🎢 Energetic Musical Interlude

This paragraph is not part of the main discussion but serves as an energetic musical interlude, likely used as a transition or break within the video content.

Mindmap

Keywords

πŸ’‘abortion

The medical or surgical removal of a fetus to end a pregnancy, which is a central theme in the video. The discussion revolves around the legality, ethics, and public opinion on abortion, particularly in the context of a court case where anti-abortionists were ordered to pay damages for making threats against abortion doctors.

πŸ’‘pro-life

A term used to describe individuals or groups that oppose abortion and advocate for the rights of the unborn. In the video, pro-life defendants argue that their actions and speech do not incite violence, and they use a Dr. Seuss rhyme as an example of their non-violent approach.

πŸ’‘pro-choice

A term used to describe individuals or groups that support a woman's right to choose whether to have an abortion. The video presents pro-choice doctors who have mixed feelings about the outcome of the court case, despite winning a large settlement.

πŸ’‘religious liberty

The concept of allowing individuals and institutions to freely practice their religious beliefs without government interference. In the video, this concept is debated in the context of the Obama administration's contraception mandate and its impact on religious-affiliated institutions.

πŸ’‘contraception

The use of methods or devices to prevent pregnancy. The video focuses on the controversy surrounding the Obama administration's decision to require religious-affiliated employers to provide health insurance coverage for contraception.

πŸ’‘federal jury

A group of citizens selected to hear evidence and make a decision in a federal court case. In the video, a federal jury's decision to order anti-abortionists to pay damages for illegal threats is a pivotal moment in the legal case discussed.

πŸ’‘Roe v. Wade

A landmark Supreme Court decision in the United States that established a woman's legal right to have an abortion. The video implies that the future appointment of Supreme Court justices could impact the status of Roe v. Wade.

πŸ’‘stem cells

Undifferentiated cells that have the potential to develop into many different types of cells in the body. The video touches on the ethical and scientific discussions surrounding embryonic stem cell research and its potential applications.

πŸ’‘in vitro fertilization (IVF)

A medical procedure in which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside the body, and the resulting embryo is implanted into the uterus. The video discusses IVF in the context of embryonic research and the ethical considerations it raises.

πŸ’‘political issue

A matter of public concern that is debated among politicians and the public. The video presents the abortion debate and the controversy over embryonic research as political issues that have significant societal implications.

πŸ’‘human life

The concept of the inherent value and worth of human beings, which is a fundamental aspect of the abortion debate. The video explores the question of when human life begins and at what point it should be protected by law.

Highlights

Militant anti-abortionists were ordered to pay $107 million in damages for their website's abortion doctor wanted posters and baby butcher name and address lists, which were found to be illegal threats.

Defendant Charles Wysong called the decision a 'miscarriage of justice', arguing that there was nothing threatening in the posters.

Pro-life defendants claimed their website did not incite violence, comparing it to a fun Dr. Seuss rhyme for kids.

Pro-choice doctors expressed mixed feelings about the verdict, with one doctor jokingly saying she would perform an abortion at Disney World.

Political correspondents discussed the abortion issue and its impact on the election, noting that it is a key factor for many American women's votes.

The conversation highlighted the importance of the next administration's Supreme Court appointments and the potential impact on Roe v. Wade.

Steve Carell humorously contributed to the discussion by saying that if abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will have abortions.

Stephen Colbert pointed out the lack of women's voices in the discussion about reproductive rights.

The debate touched on the fundamental issue of whether human life has intrinsic worth and value, and at what point it becomes a life.

The conversation questioned the pro-choice stance, suggesting that it may lead to a generation that accepts taking a human life as okay under certain circumstances.

The issue of whether a person has the right to own another person, including the rights of the mother and father over their child, was raised.

The discussion included the complexities of embryonic research and IVF, with a personal story about a child born from a frozen embryo.

The battle between religious leaders and the Obama administration over contraception was covered, highlighting the controversy over government-mandated healthcare.

The transcript mentioned the comedic take on the issue, including the absurdity of the comparison between Viagra and contraception coverage.

The hearing on the issue was described as a 'sausage fest', with a lack of female representation in the early sessions.

A comparison was made between the requirement for businesses to serve pork and the requirement for religious institutions to cover contraception, which was criticized as nonsensical.

The transcript highlighted the tension between religious liberty and the realities of the secular world, with various perspectives and arguments presented.

The comedic approach to serious issues like abortion and contraception was used to engage and entertain the audience while raising awareness.

The transcript showcased a range of opinions and humor to address the complexities of the abortion and contraception debates.

Transcripts

00:00

(energetic upbeat music)

00:05

- Doctor, Doctor, give me the news,

00:06

I've got a bad case of threatening yous.

00:08

Militant anti-abortionists, usually rational to a fault,

00:12

were ordered to pay $107 million in damages

00:15

after a federal jury

00:16

found their website's abortion doctor wanted posters

00:18

and baby butcher name and address lists

00:21

amounted to illegal threats.

00:23

Defendant Charles Wysong

00:24

of Tennessee's American Rights Coalition

00:26

called the decision, "A miscarriage of justice."

00:29

- There's nothing in those posters

00:30

that's threatening and they know it.

00:32

- Wysong then added, "Threatening, I mean, come on,

00:34

it's not like we hire snipers with wilderness skills, much."

00:39

(audience laughs)

00:40

The pro-life defendants claimed nowhere on their website

00:43

are there any words which incite violence,

00:45

claiming the sentence,

00:46

"Ill-kay abortion-ay octors-day ow-nay"

00:50

was just a fun Dr. Seuss rhyme for kids.

00:53

(audience laughing)

00:54

While pleased with the verdict,

00:54

pro-choice doctors expressed mixed feelings.

00:57

- There is no way to remove or turn back what has occurred.

01:02

- Although she appeared distressed,

01:03

when asked what she's going to do

01:04

now that she's won $107 million,

01:06

Dr. Newhall reportedly jumped in the air and yelled,

01:09

"I'm gonna perform an abortion at Disney World."

01:12

(audience laughing)

01:14

(audience members jeer) Settle down.

01:16

(energetic upbeat music)

01:19

Joining me right now

01:20

are two senior political correspondents

01:21

on "The Daily Show" staff, Mo Rocca and Nancy Walls.

01:25

What really struck me about the debates last night

01:27

was the abortion issue.

01:28

It came to the forefront

01:29

and I thought really divided the two candidates.

01:32

Mo, what were your impressions about their abortion issue?

01:35

- Well, Jon, I can say with certainty

01:37

that for countless American women,

01:38

the deciding factor in how their vote is cast

01:41

depends on whether or not the candidate is pro-choice.

01:45

- Yes, Jon, I'd like to-

01:45

- Mo, that's an interesting point.

01:47

You know, you really,

01:48

you feel like abortion is the swing issue this year?

01:51

- Absolutely. - Well, Nancy...

01:54

You know what, I'm sorry, Nancy.

01:55

I've got word that Vance DeGeneres in Tampa

01:57

would like to weigh in, Vance.

01:59

(bar patrons chattering)

02:00

- You know, the next administration

02:01

is going to appoint three,

02:03

maybe four Supreme Court justices.

02:05

Now, all the experts agree that Roe v. Wade

02:08

will be a litmus test.

02:11

- Well, that's a valid point, Vance, I'd have to say.

02:13

- Right, you know, the real issue here, Jon is that-

02:14

- Yeah, yeah. Hold that thought, honey.

02:17

We've actually got Steve Carell on the phone, I believe.

02:19

He's off today, but he's calling in

02:20

from his home in New Jersey.

02:21

Steve, did you have something you wanted to contribute

02:23

to the abortion discussion?

02:24

- [Steve] Yes, Jon, if abortions are outlawed,

02:29

only outlaws will have abortion.

02:31

(audience laughing and clapping)

02:33

And I ain't gonna play Sun City.

02:37

(audience laughing)

02:38

- That's an excellent point, Steve.

02:40

I've gotta say that's exactly- - Jon, I really feel

02:41

like I have to comment here as-

02:42

- [Colbert] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there.

02:43

I'll handle this one.

02:45

- Yes, I'm sorry, Stephen Colbert.

02:46

- Well, Jon, I think there's one thing

02:48

that no one is naming.

02:50

Last night on that stage, two men stood behind podiums,

02:55

two men and talked about whether women

02:57

should have reproductive rights.

03:00

Now why haven't we, you know, heard from any of the chicks?

03:04

(audience laughing)

03:06

- Well, that's a valid point.

03:07

We've got time for one more comment.

03:08

Nancy, what about that?

03:09

Why are women dropping the ball on this?

03:12

(audience laughing)

03:13

- You know, Jon, I've been sitting here

03:15

listening to all of you- - Excuse me!

03:16

- And the issue- - Excuse me, Jon!

03:17

- of whether women should have to-

03:18

- I'm sorry, you know what, oh, is that over there?

03:20

Our cameraman, Tom, has been waiting very patiently.

03:22

Tom, you had something you wanted to say?

03:25

- Yeah, I just think that women

03:27

should definitely have the right

03:28

to decide what happens to their own bodies.

03:31

Also, I think prostitution should be legalized.

03:34

- All right, well, that's an excellent discussion.

03:36

I wanna thank everybody, Mo, Vance, Stephen,

03:38

Steve Carell at home, Tom the cameraman, terrific work.

03:42

(energetic upbeat music)

03:43

- The issue is so much more than about abortion.

03:46

It's about the fundamental issue

03:48

of whether or not every human life

03:50

has intrinsic worth and value.

03:52

I believe that every life has value.

03:55

- [Jon] Right.

03:56

- And then the question comes, is it a life?

03:59

At what point is it a life?

04:01

And at what point is it our responsibility

04:03

to give it the same protection

04:04

that hopefully would be given to you or to me?

04:07

- Right, do you believe...

04:08

Here's what I'm always curious about.

04:10

- Yeah. - In terms of the rhetoric,

04:11

and I'm sure there's complaints

04:12

on the pro-life side as well.

04:13

Do you think that on the side of choice,

04:17

that they don't believe that every human life has value?

04:21

'Cause I'm always curious. - Yeah.

04:23

- I tend to think that the discussion is painted

04:25

in that direction as pro-abortion and this idea

04:29

that there's a callous indifference to life,

04:32

which doesn't seem to be the- - I don't think

04:32

there's anybody that wakes up and says,

04:34

"I really think abortion is a wonderful, wonderful thing."

04:37

I don't truly believe that even people

04:39

who would consider themselves pro-choice like abortion.

04:43

I think that they haven't thought through the implications

04:45

and the logical conclusion.

04:46

For example, if we train a generation coming up after us

04:50

that it is okay to take a human life

04:53

because that life represents to us an interference

04:56

or an interruption to our lives, either economically

04:59

or socially or whatever the reason.

05:01

And by the way, 93% of abortions are elective abortions.

05:05

Then what happens when our children one day look at us

05:08

and we're old, and we're gonna get there, Jon, we are.

05:10

- What? - Someday.

05:12

- Not if we keep talking about this.

05:13

- I do not want to give... (audience laughing)

05:15

But, you know, I do not want to give my kids the opportunity

05:18

to say, "Dad, you are an interference.

05:20

Coming to see you in the nursing home

05:21

is really messing up my social life.

05:24

You are very expensive, Dad.

05:25

Your long-term care bill is breaking us."

05:29

- But you're not at that point living inside your kids.

05:32

In other words, the... - No.

05:34

(audience applauding) - But I don't mean that for...

05:36

You know, and I think there's a...

05:37

And I don't mean to make light of it

05:39

because I think my personal feelings about it,

05:41

look, I have kids and I think it's very difficult

05:43

when you look at an ultrasound of your child

05:45

and you see a heartbeat, you are filled with that wonder

05:48

and love and all those things.

05:50

I just don't feel personally

05:51

that that's a decision I can make for another person.

05:55

- I think one of the fundamental questions

05:56

that we would have to come to is,

05:59

does a person have a right to own another person?

06:02

- Whoa. - That really is the issue.

06:03

Can a person own another person?

06:05

Can the mother totally own the child?

06:08

Can the father own the child? - Can the government

06:09

totally own the mother? - No.

06:11

I don't think the government

06:12

should completely own anybody. - Isn't it the same thing?

06:14

But isn't that the same argument?

06:15

- But our Founding Fathers, Jon, said that,

06:18

"We hold these truths to be self-evident,

06:20

that all people are created equal

06:22

and are endowed by their creator

06:23

with certain inalienable rights,

06:24

among these life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

06:27

- Right. - The concept was

06:28

that there is an equality about each human life

06:31

that no one is worth more than another,

06:32

no one is worth less than another.

06:35

- Isn't it the decision that's been made,

06:37

or at least tried to be made is that the progression

06:40

of that life, there becomes a point

06:43

where the state has an interest in protecting that life,

06:45

but at a certain point on its cellular level,

06:48

there is time built in for those types of decisions.

06:51

- Even if there was a concession for that,

06:53

there's a heartbeat at 21 days.

06:55

Many abortions happen well after the heartbeat.

06:58

Late-term abortions, where many people are saying,

07:01

"Look, no one should be able to intervene."

07:02

- What about embryonic research.

07:04

You know, are you against IVF? Is that-

07:08

- You know, the interesting thing is that now more

07:10

of the really credible research

07:11

is happening toward adult stem cells.

07:14

There was such a political issue.

07:15

- No, no, no, IVF is not,

07:16

that's not stem cell. - Oh, I'm sorry.

07:16

- That's in vitro fertilization,

07:18

which is- - Oh, you're talking about-

07:19

- People that are having difficulty

07:19

having children go in and-

07:22

- You're talking about like, frozen embryos.

07:24

- Well, they're not frozen. - In vitro.

07:28

- Sometimes when a man loves a woman.

07:29

- Yes. (laughs) (audience laughing)

07:31

Is that what happens? I've always wondered how it was.

07:35

- But they've smoked a lot of pot

07:36

and can no longer produce sperm.

07:38

- Yeah. - They go to a doctor.

07:41

And what happens is they, it's sort of,

07:43

it's conception outside of the body.

07:44

- I understand what you're saying.

07:45

I thought you were talking about the frozen embryos.

07:47

I carry in my wallet a photo of a little girl.

07:50

She's four years- - I thought you were gonna say

07:50

"A frozen embryo." - No, no, no, no, no.

07:52

(audience laughing) - What? You carry what?

07:55

- No, that's in my other pocket I have, anyway.

07:56

- Right, right, right. All right, I'm sorry.

07:58

- Just in case. You never know when that might come in.

07:59

- No, no, no. I understand.

08:00

- But it's a four-year-old girl.

08:01

I met her and her mother in Seattle, Washington,

08:04

and she was the reason, I guess, it's triggered,

08:06

she was a frozen embryo. - Right.

08:09

- Implanted into her mother.

08:11

A beautiful, beautiful child.

08:13

And the mother approached me and said,

08:14

"If anyone ever says to you that, you know, these embryos

08:18

are just sort of tissue or they're just cells," said,

08:21

"look at the picture of my child

08:23

and tell me my child isn't real."

08:26

It was a powerful moment for me to see

08:28

and to actually physically hold this child and to realize-

08:31

- And here's where it's so complex.

08:36

That child would not be born without embryonic research.

08:40

(energetic upbeat music)

08:43

Let's begin tonight with the battle

08:44

between religious leaders and the Obama administration

08:47

over contraception in our ongoing coverage of

08:50

(logo swooshing) The Punanny State.

08:52

Now, for those of you (audience laughing)

08:54

who haven't been following the story,

08:57

let me bring you up to speed.

08:59

Years ago, Adam and Eve lived in a garden.

09:02

Nah, all right, let's just,

09:04

let's just scroll up and then, okay, okay, okay.

09:06

Ah, Martin Luther nailed 95 theses.

09:09

Let's just scroll up a little bit. Okay, here we go.

09:11

Two weeks ago, the Obama administration found itself

09:14

at the center of a controversy over its decisions

09:16

to make religious-affiliated institutions

09:19

or their insurers cover contraception

09:22

as part of their government-mandated healthcare.

09:24

The move was seen by some religious leaders

09:26

as Obama's biggest misstep since the time he set aside

09:29

a chair for Elijah Wood at the Passover Seder.

09:32

(audience laughing) Elijah Wood.

09:34

Oh, there are a couple of Orthodox Jews

09:38

that really got that. (audience laughing)

09:43

And everyone else does not understand it.

09:50

(audience laughing)

09:51

So we have ourselves an old-fashioned liberty standoff.

09:54

On the one hand, the Catholic Church,

09:55

they do not want to be forced to pay money

09:57

for insurance plans that cover contraception

09:58

for even their non-Catholic employees,

10:00

although they do pay those employees money,

10:03

so I guess the argument could be made

10:05

that by paying these employees,

10:06

church money ends up being used for contraception anyway,

10:09

and pornography and dildos rolled in glitter

10:11

and entrance fees to clubs where cats have sex with dogs.

10:16

8th Street and 3rd Avenue, it's called Collarz. (mumbles)

10:22

On the other side...

10:23

They've been there. They know. (audience cheers and applauds)

10:25

Meow, meow, meow!

10:28

Ruff! (audience laughing)

10:31

A lot of other names for that, though.

10:33

On the other side are women who, for some reason,

10:35

would like their preventative healthcare costs

10:36

provided by their healthcare insurance provider.

10:40

Tough case because the sides are the Catholics and women,

10:44

and both are infallible, am I right?

10:47

(audience laughing)

10:48

So last Thursday, Congressman Darrell Issa

10:51

convened a panel to settle the issue.

10:53

And while no ladies were actually allowed to speak

10:57

until the afternoon session,

10:59

and no ladies actually ever spoke on behalf of ladies,

11:02

some of these fellas were wearing gowns,

11:05

so that's something. (audience laughing)

11:07

Let's hear the reasoned tone that the sausage fest struck

11:10

in this effort to find balance between religious liberty

11:13

and the realities of the secular world.

11:16

- I don't normally quote from Joseph Stalin.

11:18

- Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

11:21

(audience laughing)

11:22

We're just gonna move on to the next guy,

11:23

if that's all right.

11:25

Anyone have a slightly less hyperbolic take on this?

11:28

- The violation of a person's religious conscience

11:31

was nothing less than the rape of the soul.

11:36

(audience reacts and boos)

11:38

- That's a quote from Roger Williams,

11:40

and I believe the worst "Law & Order" spinoff yet.

11:45

(audience laughing)

11:47

Ice-T, Belzer, and Markie Post, where's the chemistry?

11:50

Listen, no one loves their insurance plan, but soul rape?

11:56

Well, you may not realize this, but the Catholic Church

11:57

actually offers health plans that already cover Viagra,

12:01

AKA boner pill! (audience laughing)

12:03

AKA das stiff macher! (audience laughing)

12:07

AKA four-hour Johnson juice.

12:09

I'm guessing that that doesn't rape the soul,

12:13

that some of your employees, I guess,

12:15

are getting that subsidized Viagra,

12:16

and I guess some of them are single, unmarried men.

12:19

What do you think they're doing with their erections?

12:22

Seriously? We'd love to know.

12:23

Send your responses to Brian Williams

12:25

care of NBC Nightly News RE that question

12:28

you had about men's erections. (audience cheers and applauds)

12:32

So how is it that...

12:34

I can't wait to find out! (audience laughing)

12:36

How is it that women can't get their pill,

12:39

but men can get their pill?

12:41

Well, as it happens,

12:42

the church answered that very question 12 years ago.

12:45

- Viagra actually answers a medical problem.

12:48

Contraception is a choice that somebody may make,

12:52

but it doesn't answer a particular healthcare need.

12:55

- Two things, why, one,

12:57

does 12 years ago look like the '70s on television?

13:00

(audience laughing)

13:01

Has it really advanced that far in 12 years?

13:04

And two, so the Catholic Church says a boner is a need,

13:08

but not getting pregnant is more of a want.

13:11

(audience laughing)

13:13

By the way, while I was surprised

13:14

that the Catholic church is pro medically-induced boners,

13:17

I was even more shocked at the ad it ran

13:19

to show its support.

13:21

Now, you never know (audience laughing)

13:24

when the spirit will move you.

13:26

Anyway, I digress. Yeah. (audience applauding)

13:29

I don't know why they both get to wear nice hats,

13:31

but anyway, back to the hearing.

13:33

We've already heard from the Stalin and rape people.

13:35

Could someone please put this in terms

13:37

that are a little more relatable?

13:39

- For my testimony today, I would like to tell a story.

13:43

Let's call it the parable of the kosher deli.

13:48

- Go on. (audience laughing)

13:50

- Once upon a time, a new law was proposed

13:52

so that any business that serves food must serve pork.

13:58

Can a customer come to a kosher deli,

14:01

demand to be served a ham sandwich, and if refused,

14:05

bring down severe government sanction on the deli?

14:09

In a nation committed to religious liberty and diversity,

14:13

the answer is no. (audience laughing)

14:18

(audience cheers and applauds)

14:28

(audience laughing)

14:31

- Do you gots my pickle? (audience laughing)

14:34

Sir, your parable about the kosher deli, while delicious.

14:37

makes no (beep) sense. (audience laughing)

14:40

Nobody's forcing the kosher deli owner to serve a ham.

14:44

In the metaphor, it's more like the owner of the kosher deli

14:46

is refusing to pay taxes

14:48

because his money could go to food stamps,

14:50

which someone might theoretically use to buy ham.

14:53

Although, to be fair to Darrell Issa at the hearings,

14:55

a woman was put forth to speak on behalf of someone

14:58

who needed contraception to help with a medical condition,

15:00

and that speaker was denied a spot.

15:02

'cause you know, Stalin rape.

15:05

Anyway.

15:06

(upbeat energetic music) β™ͺ Hey, hey, hey, hey β™ͺ