Watch Colin Jost roast Biden, Trump and others at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Thank you, everyone.

Hello.

That was hard hitting journalism

you saw in the owl.

I didn't know

you were going to show

me from high school.

That's surprising.

Yeah, it's not really fair.

You can't do it for President Biden

because the technology wasn't invented

when he was in high school.

So really fair.

Okay.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Colin Jost,

and I'll be delivering

the Republican response.

I'll be honest with you,

I don't have a lot of time.

I need to get back to New York

because I'm juror number

five on a big trial.

Trump's lawyer took one look at me

and he's like,

He's got to be on our side.

Thank you,

Kelly, for that very kind introduction.

Mr. President.

Dr.

Biden, Vice President Harris.

Doug.

Doug, as you can tell from

all the comments about my wife,

I'm also used to being

the second gentleman,

and I am honored

to be here

hosting what is, according

to swing state polls,

the final White House

Correspondents Dinner.

I hope that tonight will be a night

to remember

for most of us.

I was excited to be up here on stage

with President Biden tonight,

mostly to see if I could figure out

where Obama was pulling the strings from.

I have to

I have to admit, it's not easy

following President Biden.

I mean, it's not always easy

following what he's saying.

Like.

But before I begin tonight,

can we just acknowledge

how refreshing it is

to see a president of the United States

at an event

that doesn't begin with a

bailiff saying, all rise?

And I would like to point

out it's after 10 p.m..

Sleepy Joe is still awake.

While Donald Trump

has spent the past week

falling asleep in court.

Every morning,

though, Fox News said

he was just being anti-EU.

Woke.

We are all here tonight

at Nerd Prom.

Well, Matt Gaetz

is at regular prom, but

I actually thought

I saw Matt Gaetz here tonight.

But it was actually just

my own reflection in a spoon.

Like many of you here tonight,

I pretend to do news on TV.

My Weekend

Update co-anchor, Michael Che,

was going to join me here tonight,

but in solidarity with President Biden,

I decided to lose all my black support.

Che told me to say that, and I'm

just realizing I was set up.

I've done

Weekend Update for a while now,

but most people don't know

that I started out doing the actual news.

My first job out of college

was as a reporter

for the Staten Island Advance newspaper.

They do not have a table here tonight,

but they asked me to pass along

this message to the other

print journalists in the room.

You think you're better than me?

By the way,

I want to point out, when I worked

at the Staten Island advance,

we had a daily circulation of 100,000.

The Washington Post would kill for that.

So as a former aspiring journalist,

I want to genuinely congratulate

all the award winners here tonight.

Congratulations.

The Correspondents

Association provides

scholarships to promising

young journalism students

who may one day

be sent off

to cover dangerous geopolitical hotspots

like Columbia University.

Tonight, this event

is being televised live on C-SPAN.

You do.

And if you're at home

watching C-SPAN on a Saturday night,

I hope they find your body soon

before your cats

get to it.

There are so many incredible news

organizations here tonight.

Also, a few credible ones.

The Washington Post is here.

Washington Post.

They were the ones taking your coats

at the door.

Please be sure to tip.

Fox News is here tonight.

It's the end of an era.

Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News,

which is strange.

I didn't think there was

a step down from Fox News.

Trump media is here.

Trump media Not at a table just screaming

loudly in the corner to no one.

Wardle is here tonight.

Sorry. Sorry.

I meant the New York Times.

I forgot they do stuff

in addition to puzzles.

I have to say, it's not a great sign

when the only thing

keeping a print media

company alive are games

people play on their phones.

Too chilling for you guys

in this room just froze faster than Mitch

McConnell.

And I have to say apologies to the Times,

but as a Staten Islander,

I still get all my news

from the New York Post.

Thank you.

The only paper

where the front page

always has the same 200 point font,

whether the headline is World

War three to start tomorrow

or Central Park

Owl Dead in Building Collision.

The New York Post is like

having the New York Times

summarized for you by a crackhead.

The Times will say a border

deal continues to evade Congress

and the Post is like

these Mexicans are taking my stuff.

There are so many incredible

individuals here tonight.

Lara Trump is here tonight.

Okay, I got one.

Woo!

She recently released a cover of the song

I Won't Back Down.

Upon hearing it, Tom Petty died again.

I can't believe I'm saying this

to a member of the Trump family.

But maybe stick to politics.

Senator Bernie

Sanders is here

because he's not the type

to pass up a free hot meal.

And in general,

there are so many hardworking,

influential senators

and congresspeople here tonight

and I just want to say,

on behalf of everyone I know, stop

emailing us.

Stop it.

We get it.

Democracy is on the line.

And your plan to save

it is to flood our inboxes

like your Crate and Barrel.

It's also wonderful

to be back in Washington.

I love being in Washington.

The last time I was in D.C.,

I left my cocaine at the White House.

Luckily, the president was able to put it

to good use for his State of the Union.

I'm kidding.

Of course, the president doesn't

call it cocaine.

He calls it high speed rail.

Oh, that's.

By the way,

can you blame the guy

for turning to cocaine?

He must be exhausted,

orchestrating four separate trials

against his rival,

rigging the Super Bowl

and gearing up

to steal a second election.

Wow.

Biden laughed.

I love, by the way,

the Trump's

two attacks on President Biden

are that he's a senile old man

and a criminal mastermind.

I'm like,

I think you got to pick one.

Personally, I don't know

any criminal masterminds

who bike to get ice cream.

Also, it's not like Trump

himself is young and sharp.

I'm not saying both

candidates are old, but,

you know,

Jimmy Carter is out there thinking

I could maybe win this thing.

He's only 99.

There is an election.

There is an election six

extremely long months from now.

So let me see if I can summarize

where this race stands at this moment.

The Republican candidate

for president

owes half a billion in fines

for bank fraud

and is currently spending his days

farting himself awake

during a porn star hush money trial.

And the race is tied.

The race is tied.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

The candidate

who is a famous

New York City Playboy

took abortion rights away

and the guy who's trying to give you

your abortion rights back

is an 80 year old Catholic.

How does that make sense?

By the way,

President Biden, isn't it crazy

that he's only our second

Catholic president?

And what's even crazier is that in

just a few short months,

we'll have our third in RFK Jr.

I'm kidding.

Like his vaccine card

says he doesn't have a shot.

Everything feels strange

now by a lot of measures.

President biden

is having a very successful first term,

but people don't seem to realize it.

Like with the economy,

the vibes are bad,

but the numbers say it's strong.

The economy is kind of

like you on the steps of Air Force One.

It feels like it's stumbling,

but there is somehow upward progress.

I do think that you can do more.

On the economy, sir.

I really do.

For example,

have you considered

eliminating the national debt

by shorting Trump's stock?

People keep

asking if our

lives are better than they

were four years ago.

Of course they are.

Four years ago,

we didn't have online sports gambling.

What more do you need

at?

That's probably what's

keeping the economy afloat.

Online gambling and Taylor Swift.

Without those,

we'd be in a recession right now.

The problem

is, people are always going

to compare your first term to Obama's.

But I think there are actually

a lot of positives, similarities.

You both made big strides in health care.

Obama got us out of a recession.

You got us out of a pandemic.

Obama got bin Laden.

You got O.J.

And by the way, now that O.J. is dead.

Who is the new frontrunner

for Trump's VP?

Is it Diddy?

Anyway,

I bet if Trump did

select Diddy as his running mate,

I bet this race would still be tied.

I think even some Democrats say

that they are underwhelmed,

but I think they're

just not living in reality.

Manage your expectations, people.

It's like tonight. Sure.

We all wish

we were at the Waldorf right now,

but we're at the Washington Hilton

and we have to make

the best of it.

Just be happy you're not at the airport.

Hilton

journalists.

These are challenging times

and we need the people in this room

to help guide us through it.

Your jobs are not easy,

and it doesn't help that we're living

at the end of traditional media.

The gatekeepers are gone.

Did you know

that 90% of people now

get their news

exclusively from social media?

And that must be true

because I saw it in a

random guy's TikTok.

He was

recording the video

while driving a Toyota Corolla,

but he seemed to know his stuff.

Isn't it

crazy, by the way, that Tik Tok

could be outlawed in the U.S.

by the end of this year?

That's a real shame,

because we're going to need

Tik Tok to document

who is storming the Capitol next

January 6th.

Things are not bad for everyone, though.

This may be the worst time in history

to be a print journalist.

It is the best time in history

to be a courtroom sketch artist.

My God, the most famous

man on earth

is on trial

and there is no cameras allowed.

Just the artists, their pastels,

and their desire

to make Trump look as bad as possible.

Every sketch of Trump

looks like the Grinch

had sex with The Lorax.

In closing.

I would really

like to take a moment

to recognize

all the print journalists in this room.

Your words speak truth to power.

Your words bring light to the darkness

and most importantly, your words.

Train the

AI programs that will soon replace you.

And finally,

I wanted to thank my family,

and I wanted to thank my friends

for being here tonight to support me.

I want to thank my wife

for enduring lots of jokes

and for agreeing to individually meet

everyone in this room

right after the ceremony.

And is.

That's really special, honey.

Thank you.

Don't be shy.

Come right up.

She hates privacy.

And with my with my family in mind,

I wanted to share one last thing with you

before I go.

And I wanted to share

one thing with you, Mr.

President, before I go.

I lost my grandfather this year.

As you alluded

to, of a firefighter, William Kelly.

He's the reason

that our son's middle name is William.

He helped raise me growing up,

and I would not be here today

without him.

My grandpa was a firefighter

on Staten Island for 40 years

to make extra money for his family.

He was a substitute teacher

and he painted houses

and sense of Staten Island.

I should point out, it's

not like the Scorsese

the Irishman painting houses.

He was not a mafia hit man.

He actually painted houses.

The FBI is here.

I don't want to start a whole thing.

My grandfather

was another rare Irishman

who didn't drink

because he lost

his father and his brother to alcoholism.

And I swear.

Mr.

President, this is not an age comparison.

You remind me of him.

Some of your

best qualities remind me of his.

And I will say he was 95

and he was still great at stairs.

I think it's because he didn't

try to run up them.

But the reason

that I bring up my grandfather

and I know if, you know, realize, Mr.

President, but Staten Island

firefighters are not normally

your demographic.

Staten Island voted

about 70% for Trump in the last election,

and the other 30% was for Giuliani.

But Staten Island

also sided with the British

during the Revolutionary War.

So we're not always

on the right side of history.

You remember

that.

But my grandfather,

a Staten Island firefighter,

voted for you.

Mr.

President.

He voted for you

in the last election

that he ever voted in.

I mean, I'm sure

someone else

will vote twice

in this election using his name.

But that's just

how the Democratic machine works.

He voted for you.

And the reason that he voted for you

is because you're a decent man.

My grandpa voted for decency.

And decency is why

we're all here tonight.

Decency is how we're able to be here

tonight.

Decency is how we're able to make jokes

about each other.

And one of us doesn't go to prison After

we go to the Newsmax afterparty.

And when you look

at the levels of freedom

throughout history

and even around the world today,

this is the exception.

This freedom is incredibly rare.

And the journalists in this room

help protect that freedom.

And we cannot ever take that for granted.

So, Mr.

President,

I thank you for your decency

on behalf of my grandfather.

And I thank all of you,

almost all of you,

for your decency as well.

I am very honored and grateful

that you invited me here tonight.

Thank you and good night.