The Worst Pirates You've Ever Heard Of

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Warships at the height of the M the sun

pierced its cloudy prison to cast its

radiant gaze upon Captain Johnny P RIT

the scourge of the Seven Seas squinting

through the Brilliance of molten gold

Rays the young pirate swaggered along

the length of his Schooner every second

step proclaimed by the resonating clunk

of his peg leg on weathered Timbers the

splashing sea sent sparkling salty spray

showering the sun soaked smiling sailor

accenting his striking pose like a Badge

of valiance at the bow of his ship the

aspiring pirates's eyes locked into his

approaching prey the prized gallion of

the Spanish treasure Fleet and ass soon

to be first Big Score as captain of the

flintlock fiends with a wave of his hand

these poor rap scallions would bear

witness to the Wrath in Judgment of his

Schooner's payload all that was left to

invoke his trial by Iron and Flame was

one word fire while The Adventurous

Tales of Bartholomew Roberts Francis

Drake and Blackbeard paint a tantalizing

picture of life plundering booty on the

high seas the gods of statistics and

reality are always there to remind us

that pirate life was much more likely to

be a successful and abrupt as our little

friend Johnny's here as for every pirate

who succeeded in finding riches there

were dozens more who ended up as

pathetic wretched miserable failures

sometimes in many pieces that's right

we're talking piracy of the seafaring

variety so [ __ ] your Flint locks and

chase some parrot flocks because today

we're going to talk about the worst

Pirates you've never heard of

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pilate ship oh wow are those cannons

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video it's 1717 the Golden Age of piracy

and major Steve Bonnet set sail for the

first time as a pirate captain and also

for the first time ever there were

numerous ways one could find themselves

pirating during the Golden Age many were

poor Sailors seized by dreams of riches

and freedom others were normal Sailors

seized by pirates for their riches and

freedom and some were seized by the roal

Navy before seizing command to seize

riches and freedom Bonnet on the other

hand Had An Origin unlike most others in

that he did not come for mediocrity but

rather aristocracy seed Bonnet grew up

in Barbados on a wealthy estate of over

4 100 acres of sugarcane fields which he

inherited at the young age of six after

his parents passed away now you might

think growing up on a farm would build

this sort of rugged and handy character

necessary for swashbuckling piracy but

this is the 1600s uh okay I know this

looks bad yeah 94 African slaves doesn't

really scream tolerant no that's not

fair I have three whites as well a

social it of society charmer of faint

Hearts major Steed Bonnet was known to

be a proper gentleman but don't let that

major deceive you he got that from the

Barbadian militia which was essentially

just a bunch of land owners who hunted

down runaway slaves like I said with his

wife and four kids he was all set to

cruise The Lazy River equivalent of the

good life but all that would change one

faithful day when he decided to take a

detour it's 8 in the morning ah that

can't be right the life sucking vampires

would be back in their coffins by now

yet instead here you are sucking down

madira wine like it's the first job

you've ever had well Mary I just thought

it was about time someone did some

sucking in this house and it's

pronounced m oh go down to the harbor if

you want to gargle the Spanish so much

Portuguese Mary it's Portuguese from the

subtropical archipelago of Madera which

spoiler alert is in the name if you put

half as much thought into this household

as you do the bottom of a bottle here we

go then Mr peppers would still be alive

how was I supposed to know the dog

couldn't tuck and roll because who

launches a dog 60 ft in the air with a

sugar cane trebuchet he had a dream Mary

what a cherished aspiration or ambition

I know what a dream is then why'd you

ask Mr Peppers died because I wasn't

sure if I just heard the most ridiculous

five-word sentence in my life since I

said yes I will marry you that's just

you're a five-word

sentence George I swear to God if you

touch my wine glass I will force feed

you rose thorns sorry

sir I also need you to go pick some rose

thorns of course in a very Bonkers and

blue jay approved midlife crisis Bonnet

decided to spontaneously abandon his

life to become a pirate many sources

claim it was because he was tired of his

nagging wife's constant yapping others

speculated it was due to the stress from

having lost a child and some theorize

that the Avid Bookworm was captivated

with Wonder lust of the pirate life from

the novels of the time but whatever the

reason I think it was pretty clear that

our little Steed had a be in his Bonnet

per se so despite having literally no

seafaring experience he set off to

Kickstart his new career on the high

seas typically the first thing every new

pirate had to do was steal a ship but

that sounded like a lot of poor people

work to Steed so he just bought one

instead after getting the other

Essentials like cannons ammunition and a

private library in his personal quarters

all he had to do was Wrangle himself up

a crew hello good sir uh you seem to be

of the rather swashbuckle

sort how would you like to join me

Pirates crew y pirate what because I

have a parrot that's kind of [ __ ] up

man what it can talk no no just knows

that one phrase that's kind of

unsettling what is your Monumental ego

threatened by the mere idea that

something you see as just an animal

could possibly be more intelligent than

you or are you just surprised by the

fact that someone told you no for the

first time in your privileged life or

perhaps is this reaction just an outlet

for how unsettled you are your own life

circumstances as a whole spanning from

the obvious contention plaguing your

marriage to the pable insecurities

encompassing your fostered resentment at

the predetermined trajectory of your

affluent life okay maybe too Brock after

Gathering a crew Bonnet kept up his

tradition of breaking pirate tradition

by paying them a salary from his own

fortune as opposed to the norm of just

splitting shares of plunder with all his

boxes checked the gentleman pirate snuck

out of his home out of the island and

out of a family that he would never see

again adjusting to the pirate life

aboard the Revenge would have been

rather interesting for Bonnet instead of

his usual lavish courses of ve caviar

and gummy worms which I only assume are

Staples of every wealthy man's diet he

would have had to settle for slabs of

salted meat dry biscuits and whatever

other crit they can scrunch up whilst

plundering booty how cute I think I'm

going to call you donatell which isn't a

reference for anything yet no it's not

that's good but I think he's more of a

bow staff guy the Pirates started their

hunt around the East Coast where they

found some success at first capturing a

handful of ships without a fight and

releasing them after they were deified

except for the Barbadian ones which in

order to keep word of his activities

from reaching home he burned to the

ground even with the profitable start

bonnet's inexperience really started to

shine in these encounters and the crew

began to lose what little respect they

had for the gentleman pirate but

hopefully all that was about to change

as they spotted a massive Spanish

merchant ship on the horizon and race

Interceptor with their Jolly Roger

raised high this is it Peter the Big

Score set the blowy sheets to Max and

let's get this booty y blowy sheet full

sale the men say full sale sorry and

these men pay your

salary blowy sheets to Max men Dave

Jones that's no Merchant vessel it's me

a Spanish man of war I mean Peter come

on we've all dabbled in red light

districts what not a man of [ __ ] Man of

War uh listen I'm not one the judge but

if you're into being eaten just don't do

it on company time no not man of war man

of war Cortez himself he's here what how

did you get Kung toor the Pirates

quickly realized they weren't facing a

merchant vessel packed with luscious

amounts of shiny metal but a Spanish man

of war packed with scary amounts of

deadly metal the ambitious hunt turned

into a rapid Retreat as the Revenge

scurried off faster than Bonnet left his

family but not before the man of war

made the sky a lot more inclusive of the

periodic table killing and wounding half

of bonnet's men including the big man

himself after their escape the Revenge

sailed towards the pirate sanctuary of

nasau where Bonnet would get to network

with his new co-workers per se aask our

gentleman pirate was well accustomed to

just like white collar networking events

the biggest criminals stood out the most

and Bonnet found himself making friends

with none other than Edward Teach

himself iconic for his rather dark andus

filled facial hair a black beard if you

will that's right the arguably least

experienced pirate in history struck up

a bromance with one of the most

notorious Pirates of all time while the

early details of their relationship are

speculative we do know that the two

captains agreed to sail together however

with bonnet's captaining skills being

about as competent as his parenting ones

Blackbeard quickly caught on to the

man's lack of seafaring expertise and

hashed up a plan all right so just hang

out in the quarters here and let me

worry about the captaining oh okay I

mean I I kind of feel like a lazy

prisoner though no no think of it as an

apprenticeship you're going to be

learning the most important part about

being a pirate y lowrisk plundering

tactics uh y spot on matey and you can

learn with uh with this Monopoly there

be no better way to learn theft than

capitalism matey uh okay and should I

also start sticking lit fuses in in my

hair what oh [ __ ] wow that could have

been bad I swear they have a mind of

their own they do anyway to work with ye

pirating be tough Work Fit for Only the

strongest men sir you're uh Missing ice

cream time you better have saved

pistachio Blackbeard persuaded Bonnet to

give up command of a ship and become

just a measly passenger aboard it a

change that was definitely a relief for

bonnet's crew the Revenge found a good

deal of success under Blackbeard oh

while Bonet kind of just hung around

awkwardly like an engineer in well pick

a social setting day after day bonnet's

command felt more artificial than a Call

of Duty code of conduct but he fell past

the point of no return in his pirate

life and even confided in some crewman

that he was tired of it and would gladly

leave it all behind to live life a new

in Spain or Portugal a few weeks later

According to some versions of the story

Blackbeard would get a new Flag ship and

separate from Bonnet after reinstating

him as Captain sailing through the Bay

of Honduras Bonnet and his men soon

found themselves face to face with a new

prize a massive 400 ton 26 Cannon

merchantman the Protestant Caesar a

score to a attractive for Bonnet to let

slip by having much more combat

experience than his run in with the man

of war the year prior Bonnet closed the

distance cut behind his pre turn in open

fire Bonnet lost the cannon fight and

retreated into the night with his

Timbers thoroughly shivered leaving his

crew to grow ever more resentful towards

their gentleman Captain who just

couldn't seem to catch a break after

making Port they just so happened to run

into Big Daddy again who proposed Bonnet

be replaced by a new captain named

Richards a proposal bonnet's crew wasted

no time in accepting having once again

lost command Bonnet was back to being a

puppet challenging Elmo's record for the

longest time spent with a hand up their

ass fast forwarding a little bit because

believe it or not there are other

Pirates I want to talk about both

Blackbeard and Bonnet decided to

surrender themselves for a pardon the

latter taking a small boat to a town in

North Carolina to do so in 1717 King

George I was getting real fed up with

the amount of swashbuckling and

deification plaguing the high seas so

being the buzz kill that he was he

issued a proclamation that provided any

pirate who surrendered themselves a one

time pardon for all their various

piratey crimes therefore any and all

Pirates Scallywags and or Marauders who

surrender thyselves before the 5th of

January in the year of our King 1718

shall be pardoned one time only for all

their crimes all crimes you say

including the most heinous does that

include stabbing Spanish people uh yes

and all other peoples as well I don't

want to Pardon for the French ones what

about eating stolen sushi with a knife

and fork the king will forgive you but I

can't say God will how about the

smearing of copious amounts of butter on

door knobs and or floors to make people

sticky that's that's not a crime that's

just weird but what if now here's an

example of said proclamation in action

as I will now pardon myself for the

murder of that little [ __ ] now I trust

you're all done wasting my

time you said you only get one

pardon

now is it a good idea to blindly Grant

pardons to some of the most violent

criminals in history I don't know is it

a good idea to pop threeyear expired an

acids when you have a stomach

ache is it when Bonnet returned to his

ship Parton in hand he found that

Blackbeard had one more surprise in

store for him the Legendary Pirate was

long gone having taken with him all of

the loot as well as various weapons

Provisions supplies and the best crewman

at this point in his life Bonnet was

what we'd call not a happy sailor and he

was said to have developed a mortal hate

hatred for Blackbeard it's believed he

initially sought revenge against his

former Ally but he failed to chase him

down and would never cross path with him

again so instead the man who had just

gotten a pardon for piracy returned to

said piracy but this time he had a new

strategy to mask his piracy he would

compensate the victims to make his

predatory looting appear like a fair

trade on paper therefore it's not

stealing it's just good business thank

you thank you okay great pleasure doing

business with you an old cable this is

worthless uh-uh uh the value comes from

your imagination check this out now can

you imagine what I could do with

this having been the victim of a

stupendous amount of comical blunders

Bonnet had become a lot more violent now

even training to kill his own crewman if

they refused to fight at times but this

renewed piracy would be shortlived as he

was soon captured after a lengthy battle

with pirate Hunters he was taken to

Charles Town where he was imprisoned to

await trial but luck would strike one

more time for our little gentleman

pirate as he escaped captivity to begin

his life on the run ah

perfect uh I believe you gentlemen have

me mistaken for another handsome devil

for I am Duke Jeffrey snickles of

Worthington how do you do yep that's

Steed Bonnet right there book him boys

your parrot can talk no no he just knows

that one phrase seed was recaptured

after only 4 days and despite much

pleading from not only him but also

various damsels Enchanted by the charms

of a gentleman pirate he was hanged at

The Gallows on December 10th 1718 while

he met a Bitter End at least he can say

that he fulfilled his dream hanging out

with pirates okay so I had a lot more

pirate stories I wanted to talk about

and I didn't really expect Bonnet to

steal the spotlight more than he ever

did from ships so let me know in the

comments if you'd like a part two but

there's still time left for one more

pirate story and for this one we'll have

to swim on over to the second most

iconic pirate sanctuary in history

Somalia when you think of piracy you

think of plank walking parrot squawking

booty gawking Buccaneers but don't let

Pirates of the Caribbean deceive you

piracy has been and always will be a

thing while it may change in shape and

form the piracy breeding conditions of

poverty and low social status remain

constant and the pirates that plagued

headlines from 201 to 2017 were the

infamous Somali pirates sure they lost

sex appeal switching out cutlasses and

sloops for AKs and Rusty motorboats but

it doesn't matter how tetnus prone a

pirate vessel gets you can never scrub

out the Whimsical buffoonery Somali

pirates took advantage of their

119,900 thousand Gumball long coastline

along one of the busiest commercial

trade routes on the planet to capture

foreign vessels and hold them for ransom

after the Somali government collapsed in

the 9s foreign powers exploited the

unregulated Somali waters for their

various dumping Andor fishing needs hey

what's going on out there um nothing

what's that over

there this exploitation got to the point

where foreign fishing in Somali Waters

surpassed domestic fishing so local

fishermen took it upon themselves to

start defending their resources by

capturing and robbing invading vessels

seeing the potential in this practice

things rapidly escalated into the

ransoming shenanigans that we're more

familiar with today but if we learned

anything from Arch Duke ferdinand's

driver it's the things that always go

according to plan and what might start

off is one small mistake on paper can

quickly unfold into disastrous results

such was the case for a group of Somali

pirates in 2009 who set off on a routine

capture of a merchant vessel in the

cover of the night they snuck up on

their Target in two Skiffs and began

firing their small arms to intimidate

the crew and prep them for boarding but

something was different about this

attack this merchant ship wasn't

behaving how it was supposed to instead

of maneuvering in an attempt to shake

off the attacking Pirates it started

heading towards them to respond this was

probably due to the fact that this was

not a vulnerable cargo ship this was the

S the French command ship for all Naval

forces in the Indian

Ocean whoa didn't see you

there

in the darkness of the night the Pirates

mistook the silhouette of the S to be a

civilian Merchant vessel so it started

off as a routine assault quickly turned

into a hasty Escape for their lives as

the French warship began its Pursuit the

ski split up forcing the S to pursue one

of them for an hour before they finally

surrendered and were arrested you could

probably imagine the French crew got a

good laugh out of this I mean Somali

pirates and glorified canoes attacking a

warship in the middle of the night was

probably the stupidest thing to ever

happened to them until 6 months later

when it happened

again again you

guys like a blind person with a bow and

arrow the Pirates kept hitting the wrong

target again accidentally attacking the

French warship in the night before they

realized their mistake but as we all

know blind people are very easy to

tackle so while they tried to run the S

gave Chase and promptly captured them

now you're probably waiting for me to

say this happened yet a third time and

you'd be wrong this has happened like

dozens of times and not just with this

sh mind you I found stories of Pirates

attacking warships from not only France

but from Spain America the Netherlands

Kenya and so on now accidentally

attacking a military tanker you thought

was a cargo ship is a little

understandable but accidentally

attacking a floral class frigate

sporting what is clearly a 100mm ticket

to the afterlife is a conversation I

really wish I could have overheard uh

are we sure this is a cargo ship yeah

look you can see the containers right

there what about that long angled tube

pointed precariously outward as if in an

Aiming fashion oh well that's obviously

a pool noodle pool noodle what ship has

a 30ft long pool noodle sticking outside

of a big box I don't know Dan a water

park Supply ship for fat Americans just

[ __ ] grab the AK and let's steal some

floaties again in 2009 Somali pirates

mistakenly attacked the French frigate

uh assuming it was a merchant vessel but

to be fair this time the French were

being a little devious had positioned

themselves in the sun to try to lure the

Pirates in before capturing all 11 of

them so I guess if the sun was truly

shining in all Apollo's Glory that day I

can kind of buy a few dudes in a little

boat treking through the waves of an

open ocean not making out a warship

until the last second but there's really

no excuse for the time in 2006 where

Simo Pirates were faced with not one but

two US Navy warships and still decided

to fight an American Destroyer the USS

Gonzalez was on an anti-piracy Patrol

when it spotted what looked like a

pirate mother ship on the horizon it was

joined by the missile Cruiser the USS

Cape St George Who both trailed the

oblivious Pirates until dawn they then

sent barding teams and inflatable boats

to investigate but once the Somali

Buccaneers noticed them approaching they

decided to open fire on the boarding

parties from nearly Point Blank Range

the Americans returned fire as they

retreated but this was only the tip of

the batshit insane iceberg that was

these Pirates decision-making skills as

they then decided to shoot their AKs and

RPGs at the American destroyer in

missile Cruiser hey so this is a

destroyer right correct short for

torpedo boat Destroyer actually they

were invented to specialize in

destroying specifically smaller vessels

oh yeah anyway fulfilling its ancient

Duty the American Destroyer made short

work of this battle igniting a skiff and

American Hellfire when his Tracer rounds

hit a fuel drum this seemed to be just

the stimulant the other Pirates

prefrontal cortexes needed to finally

engage as they then decided to surrender

after leaving just a few scratches on

the war ships it's really hard to

imagine what the you know game plan was

for these SMY Pirates maybe they thought

they could intimidate and confuse the

Americans for just long enough to make a

quick Escape or maybe they were looking

to commit suicide in a way that was most

expensive for American taxpayers but

perhaps their full plan hasn't been

realized just yet while 12 captures and

one kill were tallied a Somali pirate

spokesman said that 27 Pirates had gone

out to seea so my theory is that the

remaining 14 had snuck aboard the

American ships slowly integrated in into

the military-industrial complex and have

been creeping their way up through

government ranks so that one day they

could maybe just maybe have enough power

to reinstate Johnny Depp as Captain Jack

Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean

movies The One and Only King of the

Pirates godp speeed Somalia wacky

Pirates 12 out of 10

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Stars

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