The Haters Guide to the 2024 NFL Draft

with the first overall pick in the draft

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say rocket money's worth the first

overall pick a true Hall of Famer maybe

some of these first rounders can be as

well with the first pick in the 2024 NFL

draft the Chicago Bear select Caleb

Williams quarterback to California

pick that was insanely obvious since

December Carolina thank you for freeing

the Bears from The Killing Fields now we

might see atonement for passing on that

which shall not be named in

2017 the age of Caleb has begun a flashy

pick with the Dazzle of Patrick and the

eccentricity of Prince and some say his

maturity issues because he cried at the

end of a football game he's going into

an interesting situation in Chicago a

team that hasn't had much success in

develop in quarterbacks if he can move

mountains and win them games becomes a

God in that City probably the greatest

qban franchise history no pressure Caleb

just all the expectations in the world

the Washington Commander select jayen

Daniels quarterback LSU meet obvious

pick number two Washington more than

realized that Sam Howell wasn't the

answer and Daniels had some damn good

stats at LSU at his Peak a dynamic

two-pronged weapon with the arm in his

legs the modern prototype Washington's

got their potential answer to Jaylen

Herz and the commies need that answer

badly the NFC East has always seen them

as a punching bag they need to shed the

label given to them by the SNY era if

Daniels can do that he gets shrines

built in his name now about that

offensive line Washington has how will

all but died back there last season I

reckon they should try to get that fixed

before Jaden gets RG3 the New England

Patriot select Drake

May quarterback North Carolina imagine

that Justin Herbert and Josh Allen had a

baby you would end up with Drake May a

lot of people are going to be scared off

because of a certain other quarterback

that went to UNC but as I learned with

Herbert it's about the process not the

program in New England he's got a new

era to usher in bill bellich would have

never considered may as his man but he

doesn't have much room to talk his Mac

crashed and wasn't able to be restarted

May has consistency issues and he has to

hammer out his weaknesses but he strikes

me as very Boomer bust if he booms

Patriot insuff ability will rise again

the Arizona Cardinal

select Marvin Harrison

Jr wide receiver Ohio State four picks

no chaos it's so peaceful and calm

everyone and their mother knew that the

Cardinals were gunning for an elite

weapon for Kyler and they didn't just

get him a new car they got him a

Maserati turns out no one wanted to

trade three first to pick another QB

though subtle for the man pegged is the

top receiver of the class one that

hearkens back to a certain individual

named Larry he was pretty good in the

desert perhaps Marvin will be the same

here that mostly depends on Kyler's

Health but if he doesn't pan out in

Arizona something has gone terribly

wrong the Los Angeles Chargers select

Joe alt tackle Notre D okay this is

definitely an interesting piit figured

that haveone neighbors are Bowers to hi

to Herbert's Arsenal but a powerful

tackle btoy likes it you have a premium

asset a QB you need to protect and Al's

got the Bloodlines to make him a good

one do you want to trade Justins of the

Patriots or Vikings [ __ ] no he'll

probably be moving from left to right

tackle but Harbaugh has set the tone for

the franchise builds From the Inside Out

strong offensive line leads to a strong

off defense and I certainly don't blame

him for that logic the New York Giants

select Malik

neighbors wide receiver LSU ah I wanted

them to pick JJ McCarthy for incredibly

selfish reasons of course totally not to

see an endless amount of salt from one

man in particular to be fair the Giants

did try to move up to three to take

Drake may but New England was having

none of it therefore the gmen will stick

with the vanill option of Daniel Jones

and try to get him an actual receiving

Target hopefully this one has hands

League neighbors does seem to have some

sturdy Ms perhaps he suddenly won't lose

them like Kenny G did to be fair Malik's

success doesn't depend on his skill but

on the health of Danny ders we've seen

how bad it can be without him under

Center somehow midling is desirable here

the Tennessee Titans select JC

lean tackle Alabama the Chargers poach

Target number one in Joe w [ __ ]

bastards desperately needing a right

tackle they get the next man up on their

Bard JC leam shot up like a rocket after

the common and BR with this size and

Agility Bill kellahan dreams about him

dominating in the trenches the Titans o

line how do I say this nicely was pretty

dire last season they need

reinforcements badly getting the Elder

Callahan to mold these men is already a

plus but he needs the best clay he can

get just need a few in the kill the

Atlanta Falcon select Michael P Jun well

there it

[Applause]

ising really are you [ __ ] serious

Atlanta you have Desperate needs at Edge

rusher Dallas Turner and latu latu were

sitting right there for the taking yet

you pick Michael penx don't get me wrong

I like penx as a player but to the

Falcons did they conveniently forget

that Kirk Cousins just Inked a contract

worth nine figures guaranteed when you

apparently tampered so badly the NFL's

going to lay the hammer down this pick

legitimately had my jaw drop to the

[ __ ] floor I get it Jordan love and

the Packers model he was 20 when drafted

penck is 24 with a lengthy injury

history while not alerting cousins that

you'd be selecting his era parent this

High the [ __ ] are you doing down there

Terry font know's putting his job on the

line with this move and if he fails I'll

go down it's a [ __ ] idiot there's

bold and then there's an evil coneval

jum this is the lad the Chicago Bears

select Rome

adun wide receiver Washington and the

perfect pick for Chicago Falls right

into their damn lap Bears just won the

draft with two selections could go

golfing for the rest of this and every

media pun it would be hailing them as

Geniuses everyone in their mother had

quarterback boners including Chicago

which allows them to get the last of the

big three receivers available for the

taking adun is another potentially

devastating weapon for Caleb it's an

interesting time to be a Bears fan

things are finally moving in the right

direction on paper and this is on and

off the field they don't find a way to

win with all this Talent on offense I'm

simply going to assume the team is

cursed and needs to contract the

Minnesota Vikings select JJ McCarthy

quarterback Michigan I was hoping for

shenanigans with McCarthy Tris esar at

someone wondering if he would Le frog

May or even Daniels in the draft

hierarchy but things were a bit more

restrained Minnesota only had to move up

one spot to get the guy they've been

gunning for just so the Broncos couldn't

get him I never really understood the

booming stock of JJ over the past month

was a game manager in college it at

least signifies a high floor but his

upside at the next level will be debated

for ages on end dude does make some very

tight window throws though and let's be

real the Vikings weren't going to trust

Sam darnold as the long-term solution

this one was a match made in heaven or

hell depending on out the New York Jets

select Olu

fanu tackle Penn State let me show you

the moment when the Jets realized they

needed a left tackle they neglected oine

last year and it killed their season ALU

fashanu will hopefully fix that issue

whether it be with Aaron Rogers or

someone else in the future is to be

determined Jets have been cursed with

lineman picks recently beckon and Vera

Tucker have been unable to stay on the

football field placeholders signed to

fill gaps have been overmatched and

underwhelming fashanu needs to have

immediate impact the expectations on him

will be immense and he has the talent to

make it happen now if it does that's for

time to tell the Denver Broncos select

Bo Nicks there it is quarterback Oregon

this is what happens when you have a

desperate needed quarterback and all the

good ones were poached off the board six

quarterbacks taken in the first 12

selections and Trends dictate that at

least two of them won't pan out Denver

is deep in the copium stage the

throwback to the LA days is on Full

display reaching on another tall yqb who

hopefully won't become baxton Lynch 2.0

did you seriously expect them to settle

with Jared stum and Zack [ __ ] Wilson

they needed something even if it's a guy

who's been in college for roughly a

decade Suare started the YouTube game

when he was a fresh

did do well at Oregon though it could

work out for standard the ride never

ends Broncos scarel stop lever has been

ripped off the Las Vegas Raiders select

Brock Bowers tight end Georgia sprad end

Brock Bowers interesting his excellent

value at a position where he wasn't

expected to fall and again the Raiders

did just draft Michael Mayer in the

second round just last year yet even for

the excess good D I kind of like it two

tight end set has worked well in the

past just look at Ken dger and Marcus

Pard B and mayor could complement each

other very well if they get the right

quarterback in to question is do they

have the right one there now men choose

a journeyman and AOC is well AOC it's

probably going to take another year or

two to get the offensive Vision in play

but Bowers should be fun to watch well

if they don't keep him in storage like

Kyle pittz still pissed they pick

Jackson Powers Johnson over the Steelers

though the New Orleans Saints

select T fuaga tackle Oregon State

peanut butter and jelly that's the best

comparison to make between the Saints

and their needed tackle Ryan Ram might

be forced to retire due to injuries and

Trevor Penning hasn't panned out T Thea

fuaga was the best on the board for

their gigantic sinkle at the position

they did just throw a lot of money at

Derek Carr last offseason you know maybe

a futile effort trying to shore up a

drooping foundation with mudded and sad

but you can't just give up people are

stubborn trust me I know from experience

the Indianapolis C select latu luu

defensive end UCL finally the long wait

is over first defensive player off the

board in this drafted pick 15 Indie

failed to get denil Hunter for their

Edge rushing fix so they go and grab one

of the best in the draft latu latu an

alliterative dream and a half will

hopefully be as smooth on the field is

saying his name he has the look of a

modern pass rusher with a speed and

finesse that will mean trouble for the

AFC South same goes for Adonai Mitchell

if he pans out as a receiver good on

Chris Boward for going to bat for him to

Seattle Seahawks select Byron Murphy

defensive tackle Texas Seattle had

horrible issues with stopping the

running game last year far too often

they were blown off the line and gave up

significant gains to their opponents

they need blls in their interior

Byron Murphy will join forces with

Leonard Williams to possibly Rectify

part of this dilemma it's a new AG in

Seattle without P Carroll yet the pride

and team defense has never left the

Seahawks last year was deeply concerning

in so many aspects and this is

especially true with how they got

destroyed by offensive lines they pray

they can turn the tie the Minnesota

Vikings select Dallas

Turner linebacker Alabama Turner fell

like a damn stone so it's no surprise

that the Vikings jump jumped up to take

him here they needed an aaar parent to

denil Hunter Dallas will be joining

forces with Jonathan granard to

hopefully terrorize opposing offenses

I'm intrigued by the aggression being

shown by Minnesota see an opportunity

and strike while the iron's hot I was

wondering what they would do with that

first rounder from Houston now we know

now for the overall execution that's to

be determined same for Justin

Jefferson's future deal the Cincinnati

Bengals

select amarius Mims tackle Georgia this

is the Jonah Williams replacement at

right tackle and the eternal struggle to

find a viable offensive line to protect

Joe Baro continues on they've had their

moments but for the most part things

haven't been optimal in the Queen City

and it's not just with Burrow's injury

we know about the T Higgins impass and

it's not only him that's unhappy Trey

Hendrickson has also requested a trade

he like T wants to be paid what he's

worth now a dangerous situation is a

fight while MIM should help out with

their protecting burow W there's a lot

more to unravel in this box good luck

there Cy the Los Angeles Rams select

Jared verse defensive end Florida State

I don't believe it Rams have a first

round pick thought they had traded at

least the next three yes it's been a

while since they've had one of these

luxuries losing Aaron Donald to

Ascension mode is devastating and there'

be no way to truly replace him Jared

versus their attempt to at least try to

shore up their defensive line he's an

Edge rusher and they addressed Donald's

departure on day two so the new age of

the Rams defense is here they will be

expected to have immediate impact got

speed gentlemen there's a quest for

another ring to chase the Pittsburgh

Steelers select Troy Banu tackle

Washington this will hopefully end the

Dan Moore Jr experiment at Blindside as

it should have been last season I've

been begging the Steelers to solidify

their offensive line for years guess

what they did in the draft solidify the

r line with three of their first five

picks Banu should slot in as an

immediate day one starter as well as

Zack Frasier with the running attack

they have they're hoping to Maul in the

trenches I will never complain about

solidifying the oine as we've seen the

Steel City if they don't Thrive the

offense sputters and this will be done

with an American Samoan with the first

name of Troy picked in the first round

surely we haven't seen this before the

Miami Dolphin select chop Robinson

linebacker Penn State Miami's defense is

in desperate need of overhauling and

this pick has a lot more to do with

other elements at play mainly I don't

know the fact that both of their

high-profile Edge rushers suffered

severe injuries last year not to mention

vano and aga's departure the situation

have become more critical than not Chop

Robinson should hopefully fill such a

role for now the situation is to use him

and sha Barrett until either chub or

Phillips are healthy the Dolphins are a

team thanks to cap issues that's

reloading on the Fly the stench of

January lingers the Philadelphia Eagles

select Quon Mitchell defensive back to

figures that a team that needs anything

resembling reinforcements in the

secondary would have their pick of any

on the board Corner didn't go until this

point what a strange coincidence quinan

Mitchell should be the air apparent to

Darius Slay and James Bradbery and it's

absolutely critical that a transition

plan's in place Roseman was pretty damn

busy this past weekend wheeling and

dealing to tie a draft day record at an

NFL day trader but at least wide

receiver secure AJ Brown was paid once

and he's been paid the big bucks again

rest of the NFC East is out here quoting

the big Labowski I hate the Eagles man

the Jacksonville Jaguar select Brian

Thomas

Jr wide receiver LSU I think this pick

may have pissed off a few teams down the

line the Jaguars needed a big time

weapon to replace Calvin Ridley Brian

Thomas Jr should fill in nicely to

replace that glaring hole Trevor

Lawrence's stagnation especially once

Christian Kirk went down is extremely

alarming her incredible collapse in all

fronts is as baffling as Trent Bulky's

mid-round selections most years I've

never liked him as GM but at least he

got one thing right Josh Allen got paid

they had no choice if he left the entire

defense would have been lost just feels

like a team Stuck in Neutral being able

to break out of it is another question

entirely I do have to give bonus points

to Tony KH for keeping caping that is

some tremendous dedication to the cause

the Detroit Lion select tyon Arnold

defensive back Alabama this one makes

way too much sense another position of

serious need Falls right into the lap of

the Lions especially after cam suton

decided to play GTA IRL Detroit

secondary was pretty dire last season so

it's a good story for a man who feels

East rid at home they'll probably join

Aman R Brown and panai Su there they

just got extended long turn so weird

that players are eager to play for

Detroit nowadays it's a strange feeling

I need some time to adjust the Green Bay

Packers and hosts for the 2025 NFL

draft uhoh select Jordan Morgan tackle

Arizona stop if you've heard this one

before Green Bay's biggest holes were

poached from them in the last few picks

I'm looking right at cornerback and

tackle the latter position is of dire

importance after losing B T and Nyon

there isn't much else left so all they

can do is reach for the sake of scheme F

there are two trains of thought here you

just have to take what you can get and

hope they exceed expectations or lose

your mind because the Lions took your

prize possession earlier the other

constant death taxes and the Packers

trading down traditions of time the

Tampa Bay Buccaneers select grah Barton

Center Duke this one is super obvious

Tampa Bay needed a starting center Ryan

Jensen was forced to retire due to

injury Barton is one of the best centers

on the board as simple as 2 plus two

quest to defend their NFC South Division

title made of zironia as a noble one and

the Bucks have to keep Baker and Company

upright a more of a Jackson Powers

Johnson guy but Barton should be pretty

solid too always up to fortify The

Trenches a lot of teams this round are

the Arizona Cardinal select Darius

Robinson defensive tackle Missouri at

this point all you have to do is throw a

dart in a gigantic billboard and you'll

hit a KN for the cart this is a deep

remodeling down to the studs merely

going best player available is the right

choice to make guy like Darius Robinson

can never hurt that effort it's going to

take a few years before Arizona can make

a push and Darius can develop in the

process who knows maybe they strike gold

with this one and get a gem the back-to-

back Super Bowl champions Kansas City

Chiefs select Xavier Worthy there it is

Buffalo trading down in the first round

with the Chiefs yes this is definitely

never backfired on the bills in any way

shape or form so Buffalo wasn't able to

get the receiver they wanted in Brian

Thomas it's one thing to trade down did

you really have to gift WP the fastest

receiver in the history of the 40 yard

dash to a dynasty I know I shouldn't get

attached to good combine scores but

knowing the chief's luck he's going to

become the next Tyreek kill because

God's an [ __ ] he enjoys rolling

certain fan bases mainly the NFC West in

Buffalo maybe I'll be wrong and it

disappoint but I'd have to see it with

my own eyes first they can't keep

getting away with it the Dallas Cowboys

select Tyler gon tackle Oklahoma this is

apparently all it being highly

conservative with your approach and

pissing off everyone in the fan base

Tyler gon isn't a bad pick though Dallas

had a huge left tackle sized hole that

could use filling gon should be the

concrete that solidifies that and he

should have Day One impact just don't

know about the rest of the Dallas

dilemma mainly the whole Micah Parson's

thing and the Dak Prescott thing and the

million other things affecting Frisco

but not to worry my friends they got

Zeke back told you they're going all in

the Baltimore Ravens select Nate Wiggins

defensive back CL

Baltimore did need a compliment to

Marlon Humphrey they have to find ways

to get past the huge speed bump in their

way while the defense isn't at fault for

it you have to keep adding to the

Arsenal Nate Wiggins is the newest piece

to their Quest blazing speed man that's

always an asset the only other real

concern was offensive tackle and they

got that in the second round there's not

much to say about the Ravens right now

their tests will come next winter the

San Francisco 49ers select Ricky Piel

wide receiver Florida there's one reason

and one reason alone for this pick trade

rumors Brandon iok has been linked on

shopping sites for what seems to be

months now and there are even a few Debo

Samuel rumors circling around whether

not those are true or to be determined

peaw fits the 49er mole fast Twitchy and

versatile kind of player that Shanahan

can help Thrive San Francisco's got a

huge cap crunch coming up in the next

year or two and they'll need imp back

rookies to take the burden it's a very

heavy one if I say so myself the

Carolina Panthers select

Xavier leate wide receiver South

Carolina so Buffalo traded down again

and this one is going to give up the

fifth year option to Keon Coleman if he

pans out at this level they're probably

trying to save a few bucks but guess

what Carolina did they drafted a wide

receiver perhaps this one won't

completely flop like most of the ones

picked in recent memory Xavier Le it is

a good Prospect and he isn't going into

as chaotic a wreck as last season

hopefully Panthers organization just

can't catch a break and you know why

that is there's been another David terer

thing dude you don't have to confront

people every damn time they criticize

you even Dan Snyder knew not to have

Tantrums with cameras on just shut the

hell up and stay back that's probably

the best advice to me in this draft it's

way too early to judge anything but

scheme and need fits at this time rest

will be up to the players and teams in

their quest for Glory there will be

successes and busts all the same but

they will always be first round picks

welcome to the NFL gentlemen unnamed

sources you know bad interview that's

such I mean is it's like put your name

like put your name on it I I I'm tired

of we tear these young men down these

are 21 22 year young men and if you can

if people out there can tell me they

don't they're perfect in their lives

it's crap