The Strangers: Chapter 1 Doesn't Even TRY

listen I like to complain it's

therapeutic like when I'm at an event

that I don't want to be at I'll just

keep making jokes about it because that

makes me feel better about what's

happening and that's kind of what I'm

going to do right now the strangers

chapter 1 not might it is the worst

horror movie I've seen in theaters in a

very long time like imaginary was boring

The Exorcist believer was insulting the

nun two was just a reskin of the

original and the strangers chapter 1 is

somehow all of that it's only 91 minutes

long but it feels like I'm [ __ ] Mr

Beast counting down the seconds I'm so

stuck because I keep trying to think of

ways to insult this movie but I'm just

going to tell you what happens because I

think that's the best way to let all of

this out spoilers and of course let me

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so this is chapter 1 which I thought

meant we were going to see how the

strangers came to be their origin story

and then we see their first kills and

you know we'd answer a lot of questions

about them on the way there like why do

they kill are they secretly racist it

doesn't matter because that's not what

this is this is just another kill at a

cabin enjoy the opening scene to a

horror movie will pretty much always set

the tone like I'm talking jumping into a

middle of an intense kill and title we

get that here and one positive thing I

can say about the movie is that it

doesn't mislead because the opening

scene sucks it's a fell running through

the forest for a bit then the strangers

are there and then they stare at each

other for a bit and then stranger man

axes him while our view is obstructed by

a

tree ti so bold strangers chapter 1 uh

no dialogue no view kill to start us off

I'm wet then right after that we get

then coming close

statistics ah this chair is going to be

a buoy in a couple seconds so the stats

say something like according to the FBI

there are very violent crimes every

handful of seconds or something there

have been seven since you started

watching this is the story of one of the

most brutal and then we start the fun

the movie starts bizarre because our

main couple Maya and Ryan are doing the

thing couple in a car trying to give us

some vague context to their relation

ship and their plans hey uh do you know

what today is uh this is the third day

of our cross country road trip no silly

Bly it's actually our 5year anniversary

oh you're right I love you so much and

then that's when the people behind the

movie were like people might find this

boring so loud beeping sound effect near

car crash Tony you okay you've seen it

by the way I might be dumb because the

movie makes it seem like this was Ryan's

fault because he was distracted and

veered into oncoming traffic and he had

to you know get back in his Lane but we

get a dash cam View and the truck that

he almost collides with has clearly

veered into his Lane Ryan's driving

rather straight does it matter not

really was I not going to mention it fat

chance that's when Maya pulls this gem

out do you need your inhaler oh yeah uh

thanks babe oh golly G golly can't wait

till he loses that and then we actually

go for the hatrick in the car because

Maya pulls up her phone and audibly says

and I quote Ally shows that her funds

have came

through ah

so they're to blame Maya and Ryan are

stupid babies in adult bodies they're

like the opposite of that Posh toddler

so they detour into the middle of

nowhere to get some grub and land in

Venus Oregon and you know what they say

about trips to Venus can't

Planet yeah go [ __ ] yourself too lighten

up so they get to a diner and everybody

stares at them ominously cuz they're not

welcome obviously you know the patrons

the workers the police not wanted not

liked and Ryan's like uh do you have a

vegetarian option for my

girlfriend oh man that's funny cuz he's

asking that in a diner that probably

serves antalope so they eat and they

leave and uh the jump scares are uh not

good like the car won't start and then

we get a driver side mirror shot boom

and it's just a Dusty mechanic that

looks and sounds like scruffy from

Futurama so his mechanic shop is right

across the street from the diner and

they were scoping the couple when they

arrived and they just so happen to

appear when they're having car trouble

so they tell them that the parts are

going to take some time to arrive to fix

what they got going on so you can stay

at this guy's Airbnb in the woods for

the night and Maya's like yeah this

sounds sick I love Venus then Ryan says

actually you're scamming us what are the

odds that Maya immediately pulls him to

the side what's wrong with you Maya they

watched us pull up now our car's messed

up and we got to pay for all this extra

[ __ ] Ryan we almost just got into a car

car wreck something probably got messed

up I'm like 80% certain he just hit the

brakes Maya but okay this scene is so

cartoonish the entire time they're

talking there are these two scary

children that look like young Sheldon

just watching with their bikes and after

they all finish talking that's when they

give them pamphlets and they're like the

Lord will set you free and then they

slowly walk off free

scary relax dude I'll I'll hold your

hand cabin time so in the cabin Maya

picks up some Don Julio and she's like

hey you want to take some shots and lick

my nipples and Ryan's like no thanks I

already got my Budweiser I'll lick my

own nipples knock knock knock spooky

girl shows up who's completely covered

by darkness when they're looking out

like they open the door and she's

completely pitch black hidden that's not

how lighting Works she says is Tamara

here and they're like nah you got the

wrong house silly Billy maybe you canuse

it with the other house 7 miles down the

road I know they look Alik but you know

that was weird and it's so funny because

after she leaves they show Ryan fixing

the porch light to insinuate now we

should be able to see her that was the

problem cuz there wasn't a light on

outside even though there's lights on

inside there you know light escapes it's

funny like that light actually does

something that they fail to do countless

times so Ryan and Maya cuddle talk about

marrying each other lot of chemistry

here I'm talking at least a beaker and

that's when Ryan realizes that he forgot

his inhaler in the car that he left with

scruffy so he's like damn I don't want

to die that would kind of suck I should

go get it so what do you say I drive

that random motorcycle that's outside uh

to go pick it up and Ma's like dope pick

up some food while you're at it you

short breath [ __ ] so he leaves and now

Maya has to deal with the knocking game

remember she's an idiot so the girl

keeps asking for Tamara and she's like

she's not here we already told you and

and she's like peeking through the

peephole and she's putting her ear to

the door that keeps getting banged on

loudly so to Maya this is weird this is

unsettling I would feel like I have to

protect myself right about now but no

she sits back down with her Budweiser

not a care in the world that was weird

but then she hears a woman singing a

lilii outside in a different area and

then she hears a door open and she calls

Ryan solid move hits voicemail though so

it should be like red alert right about

now right you know grab a knife but uh

no she lights a blunt and then plays a

vinyl so she can know no longer hear

potential Intruders while simultaneously

limiting her awareness

Maya you're going to die Maya what are

you

doing that's weird ran makes it to his

car and then scruffy jump scares him and

he quickly explains a it's Ryan this is

my car I'm just grabbing my stuff and

Scruffy is such a caricature you should

have called I could have thought you

were a court thief and he lifts a tire

iron when he says that and he's in his

face right and this is usually the part

where he would laugh and put it back

down and be like I'm just messing with

that I'm just yanking your chain because

it's so ridiculous right but no that was

a very genuine attempt at intimidation

and it is very silly it was very silly

you scruffs meanwhile back at the cabin

Maya's in full survival mode sitting

there playing Moonlight Sonata loud as

[ __ ] on the piano with her back to the

cabin and that's all just to get this

really cool shot of one of the strangers

in the mirror watching her it's pretty

sick you should watch it it takes like 6

minutes just to do that Moonlight dude

love it big big bethoven fan so Ryan's

made it to a food truck and he's

ordering a cheeseburger without the

Patty the AY way and they all hate him

there too then we jump back to Maya and

she's in the shower and oh no there's a

stranger right outside the shower right

outside the shower watching her and then

she kind of moves back and then poof

he's gone that midow age man sure is

fast and stealthy and has really great

vision with his obstructed view just

playing peekaboo while she washes her

ass truly a story of one of the most

brutal violent crimes I'm on the edge of

my scene that's when the lights go out

and she goes to find the fuse box and

sees one of the girl strangers in her

mask and runs off like she's got her

flone flashlight up does a thing where

it points up ah Runs Away by the way

this will be a common occurrence of

walking around a place with the

insinuation of fear and not much

happening like I'm summing it up it

probably sounds like a movie when I'm

saying it right uh but there's a heap

and hipple hunk of who gives a [ __ ]

happening all at the same time so Maya

goes to hide in a room and she sits down

hiding with her [ __ ] foone flashlight

still on she's in a dark room foam

flashlight

on Maya Maya you might as well just

start beatboxing start making that thing

fart the same level of stealth and

that's when somebody walks in but it's

Ryan who's oddly quiet to be with and

not like what the hell happened what are

you doing instead it's what's going on

Patty pie why you in the closet Snooks

[ __ ] esimo kiss she explains to him

that she saw somebody clear as day

because the stranger girl was arms

length away and he gaslights her into

believing that no you didn't Point your

phone flashlight at a woman with a mask

you must have looked at this photo on

the wall of a clown that's all the way

over there and M's like but I heard them

Ryan says were you talking up some

doobies I told you that that's some of

that real chronic [ __ ] baby come on

knock knock knock Ryan opens the door

and the girl that came earlier a few

times is standing at the end of the

driveway just watching him again and

that's when he's like I'm putting an end

to this and he starts moving towards her

and then she runs away and he's like

yeah you better run [ __ ] what were you

going to do exactly beat this little

girl's ass threaten her with police the

same police that meem mugged you in the

diner what was your plan anyway let's

forget about all that because they start

to eat their food and Ryan's Burger

apparently has a barrel of hindes in it

because his Burger is just squirting all

over oh my God you are the messiest

eater on the planet hey at least he is

an eater right big dog no but seriously

is he a Messy eater or is he just eating

a bubble bass ass burger right now

that's when this is a trailer scene by

the way by the way can I just say that

the trailer scenes are everything that

happens in the movie anyway some red

starts the drip again it's not catch not

from his Burger that's right it's blood

from a dead chicken hung up above their

dining table which I guess is a snazzy

little trailer scene but I have to ask

did they plan this did they plan this

did they plan that to happen the way it

did or was the chicken supposed to scare

them before and they just somehow missed

it and started eating how' you miss a

big fullon [ __ ] chicken hanging from

the chandelier and this is when the

strangers no longer care they ax through

the door Ryan and Maya bunker up in a

random room and we get this kill bail

last scene of the strangers slowly

making their way in and it's carried by

the song plain Nights in White Satin by

The Moody Blues I can't play it

obviously but just go play it in another

tab right now and do anything instantly

cooler they stop the record and guess

what just guess guess what one of them

starts do and that's right one of them

starts playing Moonlight Sonata I want

you to gather a group of five random

people in your life and tell me if at

least 40% of them can play [ __ ]

Moonlight Sonata so axeman starts

breaking the door open that they're is

which we see has been written on like

all over they did that at some point

like it says hello over and over again

in red paint or something Red's scary

watching this scene I don't know what

Ryan and Maya's plan is by the way

because he's breaking into the room like

he's going to murder them right we would

assume and it keeps coming back to Ryan

and Maya who were scared and then like

Ryan's like crawling Towards the bed for

cover maybe grab a weapon or try

breaking the window cuz just run run

right behind you you you know like to

leave no just going to watch so X-Man

axes out a perfect rectangle from the

door and then he just walks away and

then Ryan he goes over and he he Peaks

his head through the opening hey Brian

he's got an axe Ryan you ever seen those

old school Guillotines he doesn't get

his head chopped off but with his

extensive vision and awareness he's like

I think they're

gone I want you guys to know that Ryan

just acknowledged that they're [ __ ]

with them which is the correct

assumption to have but even with that

they still don't look for weapons and

listen they don't have to find matching

deagles just grab anything but no they

make their way down the hallway like

grabbing the wall like they're in the

dark Ryan then finds his phone and it's

cracked with a perfect Bloody smiley

face on top of it which I guarantee much

harder than it looks so they decide to

run outside to get on the motorcycle to

escape and as they approach it it

explodes and we see stranger axeman

stood there with just a gas canister The

Who time that that perfectly which I

guarantee you much harder than it looks

i' assume they play a little hide-and

seek and then Maya looks to the side and

says this house has a raised

Foundation [ __ ] you say to me there's a

cross space is what she's getting at so

they go in there and they crawl for what

feels like a mile and I don't understand

how I'm supposed to take this movie

seriously like Maya sees a rat gets

scared and then turns around and there's

a rat on Ryan's back like it's [ __ ]

Remy ready to Crane operate he get the

rat uh crawling simulator then this dumb

idiot Maya while crawling very slowly in

a fairly lit area just five stars a 2-in

nail poking out of the ground and then

she's got to do the thing like oh I

can't make noise cuz blah blah blah and

listen if this movie moved a bit quicker

from dumb [ __ ] like this like Ryan grabs

her mouth and then starts dragging her

out of the Cross space with all his

might I might be more willing to play

ball but we drag these scenes out

because me and I remind you there is no

movie so instead of just continuing to

move before the strangers realize what

you're doing I mean I guess they believe

that these killers that have maneuvered

the house with these don't know there's

a cross space but Ryan chooses to yank

the nail out a rip his shirt I guess we

don't really see we just hear generic

fabric tear and then he plays medic

which I'm sorry I didn't realize we

needed a tourni hit stat for the nail

poke bro Main's mercy so they finally

get out of the Cross base which is like

right by the front door entrance Ryan

then proceeds to speak louder than he

did when he was first entering the

closet when he didn't think there was

any danger and his plan is to go to the

shed that's a stone throw away from the

house why I get you're in the middle of

nowhere but hide and seek has to be Last

Resort right like that house and shed

got to be 1500 ft combined they're going

to find you so they run for the shed

Ryan twists his ankle cuz he's an idiot

and unknowingly drops his inhaler they

make it inside and then flick a lighter

on and there's a stranger behind them

when they do that who doesn't do

anything they don't see her I don't know

if I'm supposed to be laughing as such a

looney Tom's

ass glad we got

away so apparently they came to the shed

to look for guns cuz the guy's a hunter

should have guns they don't find any so

he looks around and he picks up a hoe

it's something I do often no but he

picks it up and he has the balls to say

better than nothing if you really

believe in that mentality both of you

would have a chair leg and a beer bottle

so shut the [ __ ] up Brian so they then

proceed to sit down and he's like let me

go to the upstairs of the shed you stay

here no clue why we would split now but

sure the stranger girl that was there

already reveals herself to Mya and she

backs up and then stranger axeman breaks

through the window behind her and he

starts choking her and that's when boom

we hear a blast an axeman runs off turns

out when Ryan went upstairs he found a

shotgun a whole ass shot shotgun and I

thought he shot at axan which would have

been very funny because I mean he would

have killed them both presumably because

axeman had this like crappy rear naked

choke thing going on with Maya uh but

I'm pretty sure he just shot off to the

side to scare him off which I got to say

Ryan it's job well done I'll be honest

my expectations for you are pretty low

at this point but um why are you putting

the shotgun down why are oh you're going

to take the time to hug Mayo for a

couple minutes and not have the weapon

in your hand and you're not going to

look okay no that works I'm sure they're

gone you've been pretty good about

guessing that so this is when Ryan and

Maya decide to click clack into action

and they make their way to the house to

kill these strangers and as they're

sneaking up they hear someone on the

porch and he's right around the corner

and the way it's built up it's clearly a

fake out it is so clearly a fake out

bang I got him Maya what he actually

just did was blow the head off the owner

of the Airbnb who was returning to fix

the fridge for them because Maya had

called him earlier and can I just say

hilarious but

also what was he doing because he's by

the door fiddling with something for a

very long time am I supposed to believe

he was trying to open the door that's

already been axed open there's supposed

to be a fat [ __ ] hole about yay high

you can't miss it oh was he like all

dang keys so Maya goes up to the whoopy

cushion Cranium of Joe the Airbnb owner

and says uh babe where's his m ask

Ryan's response I don't

know then he just starts looking around

and then Ryan finally realizes that he

did a oopsie so they decide we should

cry and hug more that's been working

pretty well they're just right there on

the stoop crying Ma's trying to comfort

him he were just trying to protect us

really it seemed like a lot of offense

coming from Ryan's end not a whole lot

of Defense from Joe's side but they look

at Joe and then they look at Joe's car

and then back at Joe and they then

devise a plan that's too cunning for us

simple movie goers I have an idea really

what is it let's leave so they hop in

the car and they wait long enough to be

attacked it's dumb stranger axan who's

driving a Ford and he keeps ramming into

the car and Ryan's leg is now stuck so

he yells at Maya to go all why he

continues to get rammed hey yo and Maya

leaves and that's when Ryan remembers oh

yeah big [ __ ] shotgun right at my

side been there the whole time I should

probably shoot this guy but I only like

shooting innocent guys named Joe do I

dare break my streak so he shoots at him

scares him off and we watch Ryan

struggle to leave the truck for like 2

minutes and I don't know why like

genuinely nothing we' just seen them get

out of the truck they record it they're

like yeah it works so Maya is now in the

woods and instead of doing the thing

that they should have done on each of

their attempts AKA just run in a

direction away from the cabin she

decides you know what's going to [ __ ]

him up they would never think that I

would hide for a fifth time so she

buries herself and leaves and oh no

there's a dead body there it was that

guy from the beginning that died this is

really impactful oh man I wish I could

show you some of these scenes because uh

there's nothing happening there's just

nothing happening like look at me look

at me right

now just like that now the final half

hour of this movie [ __ ] because it's

people not moving trying to not make

noise slash people walking in fog I

almost want to take the time to

apologize to all the other movies that

I've criticized this year none to I'm

sorry you're silly but you're fine

imaginary I'm sorry you had an idea

let's just [ __ ] get there quicker

next time tarot I'm sorry you're so bad

and S formulaic it's insulting but

someone work on the monsters that there

I suppose Exorcist

believer you actually suck balls but you

gave me something thing what is this

movie giving me it is so devoid of

ambition it is a stagy imitation of

horror I can't even believe the people

that I see that like this movie like

usually there's a difference of opinion

and I get it you liked it I didn't

that's difficult for me here I can only

assume that you just love the strangers

series let's finish the movie because my

voice is starting to go so Maya gets

found and punched in the face because

she refuses to move Ryan starts dying of

a asthma attack so he makes a makeshift

inhaler at the risk of making noise and

alerting others so it's tense you know

it that really matters because we can

definitely tell where everybody is in

relation to each other can't you tell by

the shot of this person in the foggy

woods or the shot of this person in the

foggy woods must be close and Ryan

finally lands himself in an advantageous

position by sneaking up on one of the

girls and he has his shotgun to the back

of her head and he doesn't sh sh because

I don't know she doesn't look like a Joe

he starts asking her where's Maya and

that's presumably the only reason her

brain isn't currently a top multiple an

Hills but it's weird to assume that she

even knows Maya could have gotten away

unless you really think Maya is just

that dog [ __ ] which fair but just take

out oneir of the operation and keep it

moving they don't appear to have guns

and they're trying to kill you anyway so

it's not like I can't kill her cuz then

they're going to want to kill Maya they

want to kill us anyway so he has her

dropper knife and for whatever reason

and says turn around and face me

remember she's like this close to the

gun and he proceeds to just ask her

about Maya again why did she turn around

I thought you'd at least ask her to take

the mask off but no this is just in the

script so the stranger lady can now act

crazy because while looking down the

barrel she starts dancing and then she

screams and then she grabs his shotgun

like yeah [ __ ] shoot me and he

doesn't turn this stranger's head into

stranger thing than I don't know why

quote give me one good reason why I

shouldn't shoot you sounds like there

isn't one Ryan now what and this is the

kicker

quote you know how they say your first